Real, tangible change has come, like the kind Obama promised in that one poster and now all is right in the world.

There's no question that nothing goes better with the name Jessica and a Core Power Yoga membership than the tepid ooze of a pumpkin spice latte from your local neighborhood Starbucks. Many a basic white girl, and even a few non-basic any-race any-people have enjoyed the PSL, believing that, with every sip of the saccharine relier, they were welcoming the onset of autumn and treating themselves like the YAS KWEENs Broad City told them they were.

Too bad every Ashley, Brittney and Caitlyn out there are living a big, Venti lie because historically, pumpkin spice lattes have contained exactly zero percent pumpkin. And we don't even mean that in a diet, Coke Zero kind of way. We mean the pumpkin in these drinks was an illusion, an empty threat of autumn that millions of our nation's Taylor Swift fangirls used as a construct their very identities. And when the world discovered this absence of pumpkins, we all felt a little empty inside and basically couldn't even.

But now, there's hope for America's white girls because both Starbucks AND Panera Bread (mmm, bread bowls, Megan!) have announced that they'll be adding real, living pumpkin flesh to their pumpkin spice latte mix this fall.


Both restaurants are hyping reformulated versions of pumpkin sludge in a desperate fight to win over fans of the drink who felt disillusioned and ravaged by the knowledge they weren't actually drinking the bounty of a fall harvest.

Starbucks will get even realer by removing the caramel coloring from their mix, so the true soul of the pumpkin can shine through.

The monumental life changes come after blogger Vani Hari, known as the Food Babe, railed Starbucks last year for its lack of transparency around the pumpkin spice recipe.

Panera, however, is taking the pumpkin spice revolution even further, saying its pumpkin spice latte this year will be made “entirely without artificial colors, flavors, sweeteners, preservatives or high fructose corn syrup.” This'll magical taste of the seasons will be available in Panera Breads everywhere on September 9th.

Starbucks, meanwhile, has no date for the release of its remolded pumpkin oral delight. But we sure as shit hope it's here in time for rush season, or whatever it's called when old girls haze young girls then they sing songs in big mansions wearing matching outfits.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has called the pumpkin spice latte the company’s “most popular seasonal beverage ever.” In late 2013, he said sales of the drink were as strong as ever “despite the proliferation of knockoffs and copycats," which is so great to hear. The company even has a Twitter account set up for the drink, which has more than 82,000 followers who willingly subject themselves to the cult of personality the PSL has created. 

All in all, we're glad pumpkins will finally be slaughtered and blended up for human consumption. For years, they've just been sitting there, looking at us like this …

… so we're really ready to drink their alien corpses. #Blessed!