Ever wonder why Starbucks drinks taste so damn good? Well, according to anti-gay pastor James David Manning, it's not the sugar … it's not the flavored syrups … it's … a bunch of gay semen! He recently warned his flock against drinking Starbucks coffee, claiming that the liquid gold is flavored with the "semen of sodomites."

Ever wonder why Starbucks drinks taste so damn good? Well, according to anti-gay pastor James David Manning, it's not the sugar … it's not the flavored syrups … it's … a bunch of gay semen! He recently warned his flock against drinking Starbucks coffee, claiming that the liquid gold is flavored with the "semen of sodomites."

No wonder it's so creamy.

The controversial New York City pastor's cum-guzzling claim against the coffee company came after LGBT activists protested outside his ATLAH Worldwide Missionary church in Harlem. They had brought some Starbucks coffee with them to the protest, and were giving out free coffee to anyone who wanted free coffee, because everyone wants free coffee. Which, if you think about it, is the nicest way you could possibly protest in support of LGBT rights save for straight up joy-crying into the neck-shoulder of Bill O'Reilly.

That incident somehow, some way, led to him making the following statements, which we're considering embroidering onto a knitted codpiece:

They had a big bucket of Starbucks coffee … The thing that I was not aware of is that … what Starbucks was doing, is they were taking specimens of male semen, and they were putting it in the blends of their lattes. It’s the absolute truth. They’re using male semen, and putting it into the blends of coffees that they sell. My suspicion is that they’re getting their semen from sodomites. Semen flavors up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.

Oh wow. Just wow.

He also compared Starbucks drinks to a "ritual bath where they kill innocent babies and drink their blood at some of the meetings that are had by these fraternal or sorority groups." Which we sort of agree with if that bitch Brittney is the one making our drinks.

"Starbucks has, for years, been using sexual fluids to prosper their businesses, and the truth is now coming out," he ejaculated.

Dear god … Starbucks must have really spelled his name wrong on his soy vanilla latte or something.

And if that particular Starbucks vendetta wasn't enough, he also attacked them last week by saying Starbucks was "ground zero for Ebola" because "upscale sodomites" went there to work on their computers.

Jeez, okay, we get it, David. You're a Peet's Coffee guy. We get it.

Look, David Manning. We know from rigorous R&D that gay semen tastes the same as straight semen. And if it's semen that's making Starbucks the most popular chain restaurant in the country, then consider us a nation of swallowers. And don't even get us started on the nutritional value of semen. You could live off that shit in a Y2K bumper for years if you were determined and horny enough. In fact, we should be writing thank you notes to all the fabulous sodomites of Starbucks thanking them for adding some substance to our coffee. Because you know there's nothing in there but fat and sugar. At least now there's some protein.

Here's what we think is really going on here. David Manning is butt-hurt that American's attitudes towards homosexuality have changed. Suddenly, in lieu of recent efforts in the media and political spheres, being a homophobic butthole just doesn't have the same bigot-y appeal it used to. Homosexuality is less of an issue that ever, and that means poor David doesn't have anything left to talk about. Sure he can rant about Satanism and why "young suburban girls want real men" but there's nothing left he can say about homosexuals that anyone cares about … except that their cum is in your cappuccino. Real mature.

So now that that's all cleared up … do you think they're using these guy's semen for their Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Mmm, autumn.a