You can't just move to Canada. It's way more complicated than that. 

Every presidential election you’ll hear some outspoken jackass say they're moving to Canada if “so and so” wins the election. This time around is no different, with gaggles of liberals saying they’ll move to the great white north if Trump wins in November. Hell, even the pro-Clinton Super PAC, Priorities USA Action, has made a website literally called encouraging people to vote for Hillary instead of moving to Canada. Among the reasons, which include In-N-Out Burger and Canada being too cold, is this gem…

Umm, paid family leave is exactly what Hillary Clinton should be fighting for as a "progressive" Democrat but whatever, she's got the woman card so she's qualified. 

So, you plan on moving to Canada if Trump is elected President? Good luck with that. The truth is that moving to Canada isn’t easy. You can’t just move to Canada on a whim like all the green-rush pot fiends that have moved to Colorado over the past few years. 

If you really want to move to Canada when ole’ “I never lose” Trump is elected, you probably should've started the emigration process the day Trump announced his candidacy. The process of obtaining Canadian residency status takes years

Still think you want to move to Canada? Let’s look at some of the hoops you’ll have to jump through if you actually want to follow through with your plan that no one gives a fuck about. Because let’s be honest, the people that say they’ll move to Canada certainly haven’t looked into the process of actually moving, just like how they haven’t looked into how little the president actually controls. 

For this exercise, let’s assume you want to live in Canada throughout Trump’s entire first term and second if he is re-elected. To do that you’ll want to be approved as a permanent resident of Canada because you can't get an 8 year temporary work visa. Oh yeah, and you'll want to get residency very, very quickly, because the election is on Nov. 8, 2016. 

Going into this you should know that only about 8,000 US citizens are granted permanent Canadian residence a year. Anyways…

You’ll need to pass a criminal and medical background check.

  • Got a DUI in college? Oh so sorry, you’ve already been disqualified
  • Have a legitimate medical condition. Sorry, you’re disqualified too. Don’t want anyone abusing that free healthcare system. 

With Trump’s nomination rapidly approaching you’ll want to get approved as a Canadian resident ASAP. 

  • Canada offers something called Express Entry for highly qualified candidates. Cool, right?
  • Well, they only nominate 1,350 people worldwide for Express Entry each year.
  • To get this you need to be insanely well qualified and ranked using their Comprehensive Ranking System (CRS).

You think you’re qualified enough for Express Entry? That’s adorable. 

  • The CRS ranking system ensures that only very highly qualified candidates can receive Express Entry. Think doctors and senior-level engineers. Not bartenders. Sorry.
  • You’ll need a minimum CRS score of 450. That’s not a lot right? Wrong.
  • Someone with a Bachelors degree, at least 3 years skilled work experience, that doesn’t speak French, and has never worked in Canada (so a normal person) only receives a score of 381. Far short of what’s needed.

Somehow you received Express Entry? Congrats … sorta.

  • Even if you receive Express Entry, you aren't guaranteed permanent resident status.
  • From the day you are offered Express Entry it can take up to a full year to be notified if you are offered permanent resident status. 
  • This year long wait doesn’t include all the processing time leading up to being offered Express Entry, which can easily take a few months. 

Now you’ll need a job with a Canadian company

  • Unfortunately, Canada has a pretty high unemployment rate right now.
  • Canada’s unemployment rate is 7.1% versus 5.5% in the US.
  • Oh yeah, the Canadian dollar is doing pretty bad right now too.
  • Good luck. Hopefully you are as qualified as you thought.

If you’ve remained in the US during this process, Trump has been in office over a year at this point

  • Has your life collapsed in that year?
  • If yes, and you were magically granted permanent residence move to Canada.
  • If no, why are you moving again?

Get ready to pay Canadian and US Taxes. Fun!

  • As a permanent resident of Canada you are not a Canadian citizen, this means you still will have to pay US taxes.
  • Sometimes you may have to pay both Canadian and US taxes at the same time. How awesome is that?
  • Good thing you escaped Trump’s tax plan to pay double taxes in Canada! How frugal of you. 

You want to cheat the system and marry a Canadian? LOL. 

  • First of all, marrying a Canadian citizen does not make you a Canadian citizen by default. There is much more to it than that. 
  • You’ll either need to get permanent residence on your own, which is a crazy process as outlined above. Or your spouse can sponsor your bid for residence. 
  • Currently the wait for sponsoring a spouse is 17-months minimum. That is if your spouse lives in Canada while you live in the US. So you will have had to deal with Trump that whole time.
  • If you decide to live in Canada with your spouse on a temporary work visa, you’ll have to wait a minimum of 26 months to get residence. Good luck keeping your temporary work visa for that long.
  • Also, Canada takes marriage fraud seriously and will thoroughly investigate your sham marriage.
  • They’ve been known to ask crazy specific questions about your spouse like the color of their spouse’s toothbrush to validate the marriage. Because you're obviously not in love unless you know your spouse uses a periwinkle Oral-B with included tongue scrapper. 

So you managed to get permanent residence but Trump got re-elected and you want to abandon the USA altogether and become a Canadian resident? Good luck. Again…

  • You must have lived in Canada as a permanent resident for minimum of 4 years.
  • You need to have paid a minimum of four years of Canadian taxes – and of course those measly US taxes as well!
  • You’ll need to pass a knowledge test about the Canadian government and its history. Remember how boring civics class was in high school? This is just like that, but with people you’ve never heard of.

If you meet all those requirements and were able to fast-track your path to Canadian residency, you'll have become a Canadian resident in a minimum of about 18-months after spending thousands of dollars on the process. If you are just some average US citizen and not a highly qualified professional like a doctor, then you should expect the process to take around 2 years minimum. Sometimes, it take much longer. That's assuming that Canada even wants you in the first place. They are not obligated to grant you residency. 

So there you have it. Claiming you'll move to Canada if Trump is elected is the most obnoxious attention-whoring bullshit ever. What, you're going to move to Canada halfway through his first term? That's not much of a political statement at all. Not like the complacent fools that spew this garbage were actually ever going to move Canada in the first place. They weren't. If you want to escape The Don you would probably have an easier time moving to North Korea. Hey, at least you'd be avoiding that evil tyrant Trump. 

Photo: PrioritiesUSA, AP/Jim Cole