Drunk driver blows a .778, sets record
An Oregon man is proving that blood alcohol limits along with livers are for losers after he blew a .778 BAC while in police custody following a short car chase. We get the Claw has no laws but this is almost worse than inviting Chris D’Elia to give a high school commencement speech.

Pastor claims he farts the holy spirit 
A pastor, who's a self-proclaimed man of God, is offering a unique way of healing the masses and delivering the holy spirit by sitting on peoples’ faces and farting into their mouths. Word has spread quickly and people often wait in lines to be blessed by the godly gas which the pastor says brings success and riches. It’s good to see Donald Trump has found a new career after his presidency. 

The Oklahoma Bigfoot State Bounty (in dollars) for the unharmed capture of the mythical creature, hoping to lure people to Oklahoma.

Wall Street stocks chosen randomly by a chimpanzee in 2009, that eventually outperformed the market making the chimpanzee the 22nd most successful money manager in the U.S. GME to the moon! 

Woman feels discriminate by KFC for lack of meatless options 
A vegan woman who recently visited a KFC is making her frustrations with the fast food chain public after the colonel was unable to provide her with meatless options and no explanation. We had a similar experience when we visited Factory Appliance looking for a bicycle and were appalled by their complete lack of pedal cycle color combinations, and on top of it all, the staff didn’t care to get us a bicycle. Disgusting. #Neveragain

“… don’t go see their movie because I will make mine way f–king radder if you just Venmo me a dollar”
Bam Margera telling his followers to boycott the new ‘Jackass 4’ movie after Margera was fired for violating the terms of an agreement requiring him to stay sober while on set. We’re going to go with our gut on this one, send him a dollar!