Rooster looks into the abyss to witness the downfall of mankind.

Rooster looks into the abyss to witness the downfall of mankind.

“Lindsay Lohan begins community service at Duffield Children’s Center”
The infamous actress is working off 125 hours of service stemming from a 2012 car accident. During craft time, the kids made colorful paper-chain handcuffs, snack time included funky-tasting single-serving jello cups and nap time was officially renamed “the blackouts.”

“Man sneezes out toy wedged in nose for 44 years from childhood incident”
A tiny rubber sucker from a toy dart dislodged from 51-year-old Steve Easton’s nostril during a recent sneezing fit. Later that day, Easton found the head of a Ken doll in his trousers after an unexpected shart.

“Middle school students investigated for marijuana and alcohol use”
Police were called to Denver’s Skinner Middle School after 5 students were caught consuming edible marijuana and alcohol. EMT’s on the scene checked on the students who reported to be okay. Actually, they felt fucking awesome!

“Man robs Credit Union to bail out girlfriend”
Robert Rivas, 26, was arrested after robbing the Utah Community Credit Union to get bail money for his incarcerated wife. Rivas is no dummy, he obviously knew better to utilize a friendly local credit union versus a corporate bank.

“Kardashians now blocked by app”
21-year-old Brit James Shamsi developed an app blocking Kardashian info from your internet browser. We tried to warn you, so don’t blame us when you don’t get the first exclusive look at pictures of Caitlyn’s new vagina.

“North Korean Defense Minister executed using large military-grade weapon”
Hyon Yong Chol was purportedly killed using anti-aircraft fire after falling asleep in a meeting. The rogue nation celebrated exuberantly after the military launched its first successful North Korean rocket strike.

Tweets & Quotes of the Absurd

If it wasn’t for ignorance, we wouldn’t have a subscription to USA Today.

“Deja poo.” – Senior ranger John Armstrong after cleaning up 600 lbs of dog poop in Aspen’s Pitkin County Open Space, only to find 50 or more piles later on the same trail.

“It is such a jerk parade … if you had a million arms and all the people you would punch in the whole world, they’re all there.” – Tina Fey about attending the Met Gala.

“I now believe global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists knowingly misleading for their own ends. Good night.”  – Pat Sajak’s tweet; he later claimed it was a joke.

“I think we need to re-engage and do it in a more forceful way.” – Jeb Bush on his Iraq policy if he was president.

“They’re taking the culture too far. It’s just too far to be going.” – EPMD Rapper Eric Sermon on transgendered individuals in hip hop.