As humanity collectively holds a shotgun to its mouth, we find a few of those that may have already decided to pull the trigger.

“Grandmas exchange gunfire while exchanging grandchild in Walmart parking lot”
One grandmother was shot in the neck by Janice Brown, 53, the other grandmother, while exchanging their grandchild at a Pleasant Grove, TX, Walmart. The store obliged the two women by rolling back prices on small arms ammunition for the next time the child is dropped off.

“Chinese man tries to get back girlfriend by threatening family with food bomb”
A man from the Heilongjiang province was arrested after he sent paper-wrapped sausages resembling bombs to his ex-girlfriend in order to win her back. His symbolism may have been misinterpreted, since what smart girl would turn down exploding wieners?

“New Hampshire woman tries to hire Hell’s Angel to punish ‘other’ woman”
Monique Earle, 20, was arrested for attempting to hire a Hell’s Angel to drug, torture, rape and murder her romantic rival for $500 and a designer purse. After all, a Hell’s Angels member will do anything for a few bucks and a Louis Vuitton hand clutch.

“Pakistani family protest sexual assault of donkey by multiple men”
A 70-year-old man from Sahiwal, Pakistan, and his family, have accused 6 men of sexually abusing their donkey before taking it away at gunpoint. Ironically, Rooster’s own Dear Ibby struggled this month to answer a man’s question on how he should enjoy sloppy donkey sixth’s.

“KFC releases promotional scented candle”
A Kentucky Fried Chicken in New Zealand offered a social media promotion selling deep-fried poultry scented candles. The franchise promotion will compete directly against Chipolte’s release of diarrhea scented incense sticks.

“Sex cafe staffed by robots set to open in London”
Since human sex workers are illegal in Great Britain, Bradley Charvet is attempting to start a cafe open from 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. that will serve coffee, pastries and sex with robots. Married male Londoners have dismissed the idea, believing it sounds a bit too close to their current situation.