“F*ck you, No f*cking way.” 
Roger Waters, the 77 year-old founder of Pink Floyd in response to a letter from Mark Zuckerberg asking to use the band’s 1979 song “Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2” for an instagram ad in exchange for a “huge, huge amount of money.” Good to see someone still has a backbone in this country. When someone thinks of rebelling against thought control, the first thing that comes to mind is Instagram. 

“Joe Biden has zero authority to cancel the 4th of July.” 
Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert in a tweet. That’s all. Let this sink in that this individual holds high office in this country. In related news, Biden also plans on taking away Taco Tuesdays — over our dead body!  

Olympian blames failed drug test on burrito from food truck 
U.S. Olympic hopeful and long distance runner Shelby Houlihan received a four-year suspension from competition after she tested positive for steroids, which she claims came from a burrito from a food truck. A fact check on this story does reveal that food truck burritos do in fact cause quicker runs. 

Lawmaker accused of kicking student in the balls, said God told him to do it
A Kansas lawmaker, who faces battery charges after kicking a student in the balls while substitute teaching at a local school, told the police God told him to punish the kids and that the bruises on the student’s leg were the result of “God working in mysterious ways.” God approves kicking teens in the balls? Finally, a reason for us to become religious. 

Couple chained together to prove love, finally cut chain, break up 
A couple who chained themselves together on Valentine’s Day to test their undying love, finally had the chain cut off after 123 days — and immediately broke up. The boyfriend said he couldn’t stand sitting while she did her makeup. The girl said she couldn’t stand his micro penis. 

Current number of signatures on a petition to deny Jeff Bezos reentry back to earth after he rides to space on the first rocket launched by his space company, Blue Origin.