Facebook making an Instagram for kids
Facebook, the world’s largest and most altruistic social media company, believes that with its huge successes in privacy and human mental health, no one is ever too young to develop crippling anxiety and therefore, it’s creating an Instagram platform for children. The platform has already signed its first sponsor Juulpods, and hired its first spokesman, Chris Hansen.
The amount in damages one man is seeking after the “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle he purchased from Gwyneth Paltrow’s company, Goop, exploded while on his bedside table. Damages seem warranted considering how hard and terrible it must be to get the smell of Coldplay out of your pillows.
Chinese safari park “sincerely sorry” for not telling public leopards had escaped
Three leopards managed to escape a safari park in Hangzhou, China and were on the loose for almost two weeks before authorities were forced to notify the public regarding the roaming predators after residents reported multiple leopard sightings in the city. Wait a minute, an imminent threat to the population has escaped a Chinese facility and the Chinese government has neglected to notify the people about its dangers? Sounds familiar…
Woman sneaks onto high school property, poses as student to gain Instagram followers
There are those who make good life decisions and then there is 28 year-old Audrey Francisquini, a Miami woman who is now in police custody following her attempt to gain Instagram followers by trespassing onto a Miami high school campus, posing as a student and then handing out flyers with her instagram handle and photo. In a show of the times, this action alone has made her famous on Instagram. You did it, Audrey!
Teacher banned after drinking with students and taking them to the strip club
A teacher with an unorthodox teaching style is banned from the school system for three years after he got drunk with some of his students and then took them to a strip club while on a school sponsored field trip. In the teacher’s defense, we can’t think of a better way to teach kids to appreciate school than by going to a strip club during the middle of the day.
“He became hooked on what I call ‘Foxitis’ or ‘Foxmania’…”
The attorney for capitol rioter, 27 year-old Anthony Antonio, making the argument that his client was brainwashed by Fox News, which Antonio watched incessantly for 6 months after losing his job to COVID. The CDC has recently warned that during the pandemic, there's been a significant rise in Foxitis dianoses followed by a close second, Pornhubitis.