The amount two Americans were each fined by Canadian officials after they showed fake COVID-19 vaccine documents when trying to cross the border. Interesting how the people faking vaccine documents are the same ones supporting stronger immigration reform and voter IDs. 

“I could be on my own private island, drinking mai tais with naked supermodels but instead I’m here working with you” 
-Elon Musk to Tesla employees during one of his many ferocious rants on the factory floor according to a new book “Power Play.” Too bad he wasn’t on that private island when SNL asked for him to host.   

“How many Americans, even today, wouldn’t like to live my life? I don’t work. I play golf four or five days a week. I go out to dinner a couple of nights with friends. People want to buy me drinks. I’m always taking pictures with people. Ladies hug me.”
-O.J. Simpson in a recent interview describing his glamorous lifestyle. He went on to say he avoids LA because he’s scared to run into Nicole Simpson’s murderer eventhough he was found guilty of her murder in a civil trial. But he’s right, we’d definitely kill to live like him. 

Noun. A loyal and devout follower of Elon Musk, often referencing his holiness at least once in every conversation. 
“Jim is a musketeer. No one likes Jim.” 

Good Day 
for legalized weed as drug traffickers have reversed course and are now flooding Mexico, where cannabis is still illegal, with higher quality, legal marijuana from the US at an unprecedented rate. Who would have thought legalizing marijuana would have affected the black market? Oh yeah, everyone. 

Bad Day

for credible news as Colorado news outlets jumped all over a viral video of a Rockies fan purportedly yelling the N word at a batter during the Rockies vs. Marlins baseball gamel. It turns out, the fan was a grandpa yelling for Dinger, the Rockies dinosaur mascot, to come say hi to his grandkids. Publish first, investigate later; the new age of journalism. 

Bad Day

For masturbation as a Japanese man suffered a stroke from masturbating too much according to doctors. This might explain why all of the Rooster staff is currently in ICU.