Each month, we tirelessly pour over headlines from around the world to bring you the goofiest, dumbest, most unbelievable shit we can find. Actually, that's not entirely true, stupidity is endless — we just link to it to fill word count.

Teenage Boy Gets USB Cable Stuck in Penis
A 13 year-old kid genius became our least favorite person when his curiosity led him to sticking a USB cable four inches up his penis ultimately getting it lodged in his bladder and requiring surgery to remove. The boy says he did this after watching an online video depicting it as a pleasurable masturbatory experience — to which we’d recommend literally (almost) anything else.

Woman Defends Drunk Driving Because Jesus Drank Wine Too
After police found Nicole Mintner, 45, passed out behind her steering wheel, she told police “Jesus drank wine and so did I.” She later admitted to taking Xanax and drinking 4 bottles of Sangria. She’s got a point, according to Corinthians 8-14: Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. And whenever in question, take Xanax.

Kansas Man Charged for Lewd Acts on a Tailpipe
Ryan Malek, 23, of Kansas City was charged with exposing himself with the intent of arousing or gratifying “sexual desires” after witnesses told police they saw Malek outside a bar having sex with a car tailpipe. Talk about a one-night stand that really backfired! No, seriously, it must have been exhausting! Only in his pipe dreams! Ok, we’re done.

Woman Beats Boyfriend, Trashes House Over His Refusal to Cuddle
Kristy Misty Mudd was charged with one count of domestic battery following an attack on her boyfriend because he wouldn’t cuddle with her after sex. According to the boyfriend, Mudd became erratic and violent, beating him and trashing their house when he said it was too hot to cuddle. And yet another reason not to date a woman named Kristy Misty Mudd.

Families Earning $117,400 Now Qualify as “Low Income” in San Francisco Area
According to a new report from the Department of Housing, the cost of living in Northern California counties has become so expensive, families earning up to $117,400 annually qualify as low income. Anyone earning below that falls into the category of bottom feeder or teacher or hospital worker or general community member.