To soothe the fiery awkwardness that accompanies the process of ordering at Taco Bell, the company has released a new app that disintegrates the need for human interaction inside their walls.
The satiating crunch of a 3 a.m. chalupa makes the mutual shame of ordering at Taco Bell worth it, but there's no denying that the human interaction that's been a necessary part of the T-Bell experience is tainted by awkwardness that's spicier than their Fire Sauce.
Awkward for them, because the girl taking your order has a Political Science degree and three children who need feedin'. Awkward for you, because you have a Political Science degree, and three children who need feedin' … yet here you are at 2:35 a.m. ordering a Quesarito with a side of 11 tacos to soak up the PBR in your gut and fill the void in your heart.
But with the new Taco Bell app, all that's about to change. The app lets you order and pay on your phone, so that the only interaction you have with the actual restaurant involves you walking in, avoiding eye contact, and walking out with your food. Whether you choose to eat it alone in your car or bring it home to let your family know you've given up, they've won, well, that's up to you.
No shame, no small talk, no running into the popular kid from high school and making up elaborate narratives about what led each other to the sad demise of early morning Taco Bell. You just press some buttons, then proceed to exceed you daily calorie recommendation by 1,000.
But Taco Bell isn't the only chain restaurant getting in on the app game. Outback Steakhouse has plans to release a similar app which alerts customers of wait times at nearby restaurant locations and allows them to get in line for a table by making an online reservation.
"It's more important than rolling out a new steak," said John Schaufelberger, chief marketing officer of Outback Steakhouse.
Good, because there are always so many people lining up around the block to eat at Outback Steakhouse.
And now even Chili's has a feature where you can pay, order more food, or play games on table-top iPads, presumably so you can distract yourself from the reality of being at Chili's.
All this adds up to one ever-present reality: people do not like people. People do not want to talk to people. People do not want to see people. People do not want to be doted on by a hostess or a cashier or a server at a chain restaurant, possibly because it reminds them of their bleak existence.
In fact, people are so wary of other people that new, device-centric technologies in the fast food sector are driving the $683 billion restaurant industry like never before. McDonald's, Starbucks, Papa John's, Domino's and Pizza hut are all spending cash money on new apps and programs that let people get their McBurritoPizza and walk out without having to make small talk about how their day is or the weird weather.
Most of the push towards tech-centered dining experiences is aimed at Millennials, who restaurants think would much rather stare into their smartphone screens than into the all-knowing eyes of a McDonald's employee.
But, in our opinion, that's a belief that old, staunch business owners have about Millenials that's not necessarily accurate. They're so far removed from our culture and way of life, that they piece together little pieces of information about us in order to fill the blank spaces of wonder in their head. Thus, if they hear on Fox News or whatever it is that they watch that young people use smartphones a lot, they're likely to make grandiose gestures like generating entire apps to cater to that.
But in reality, we don't think Millenials, or people for that matter, really want to have the human factor sucked out of everything. Of course, using dining apps streamlines the process and makes it quicker for the customer, but not every customer is looking for a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am experience when they sit down at a Chili's. Furthermore, who do you think works at these restaurants?
Millenials. And they're suddenly being replaced by apps that were created to cater to them in the first place.
But, back to the Taco Bell app. We have to admit that we'd use it. Most of the time we eat there, we're too high to know any better, and it's safer for society if we just walk in, take what is ours, and leave.
Now, if we could just take the people part out of our next proctology exam, we'd be all set.
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