I didn't stop using, I used my dear friend Google to do it …
I just now passed my drug test, despite doing an amount of drugs that could be described as “one of the lesser Beatles.”
And, to the society that administers drug tests, and thinks drug tests are a good idea, I wanted to say: fuck you sincerely, you can kiss my ass.
As you, Dear Rooster Reader, undoubtedly know, the workplace drug test is one of the stupidest remnants of the racist, classist and expensive War on Drugs. While some major news outlets are recommending eliminating the drug test, since “some employers report that up to half of their candidates walk away and exit the hiring process rather than undergo drug testing,” drug tests persist and even proliferate. School districts test kids. Alabama tests new mothers for drugs — and can take their kids from them if they’re positive.
This is self-defeating.
Imagine if they drug tested John Lennon — there’d be no “Imagine.”
Or Steve Jobs — there’d be no neXt. Or Steve Jobs the movie.
Or President Obama back in the day! Or George Bush Junior! Or Clinton! (Not to mention George Clinton.)
Personally, I’m not the president, but I did just land a new job. This is in healthcare.
Healthcare is, I admit, one of the few lines of work where a drug test makes a smidgen of sense.
Meth heads driving ambulances. Opioid addicts working in pharmacies. Nitrous fiends doing dentistry. These are not ideal job placements.
But if you can be a good worker and do some safe drugs in your free time, you should be able to, and you should take my phone number and we should hang out.
Though I've done most major drugs, these days I'm mostly microdosing LSD once or twice a week for maybe eight months. And I drink ayahausca once a quarter or so.
This doesn’t make me a degenerate. Acid and ayahuasca help my health. Kindly suck a fat sack if you think you know otherwise. You’re not in my head.
All I had to do to pass the drug test was read the Internet and plan accordingly.
On your typical workplace drug test, they only test for a few drugs, the Living Down by the Cherry Creek Bikepath drugs:
– Opioids (including pills and heroin)
And, yes, they test for marijuana. Marijuana! Marijuana, a recognized medicine in 24 states. Marijuana, a cure for epilepsy. Marijuana, improving music since 3,000 B.C. Marijuana — legalized.
So, yes, I had to make some adjustments. So, yes, society is still fucking with me. I ain’t touched the vape pen in three months. Miss marijuana like I miss my dead dog.
Still, having quit cannabis, I arrived at my job orientation nervous about the drug test. But the Internet told me I was gonna be alright.
Ayahuasca’s trippy, and illegal, ingredient is DMT. It’s a natural part of the human body, and therefore pretty much impossible to test for. It’s like testing for serotonin. And while acid isn’t natural and can be detected for up to four days in your blood, it can only be found in your urine for 24 hours. And it had been three days since I’d dosed.
I peed in a cup and gave it to my boss. Then I sat and watched my boss test my urine right in front of me. Watched as the little lines crept up on the little test strips. It felt like a pregnancy test for being awesome. I felt like a boss.
As the tests came up negative I wanted to say: fuck you society somewhat! I beat your little drug test more or less!
I’m gonna trip elephant balls on Saturday night and go into work on Monday morning and do a stellar job!
Because, actually, I didn’t want to say, “Fuck you society.” I wanted to say: “Yay society. Society is better when people are happy. And I’m a good worker when I’m healthy, happy and relaxed. Drugs do that for me. Without drugs, I’m depressed. And what kind of worker am I then?”
What I wanted to say was: fuck you Nixon and Reagan and to a lesser extent Bush, Clinton, Bush and Obama. Fuck you cops with your thumbs up your asses, arresting people with your feet. I wish all of you uneducated cunt punchers a lifetime of dick warts.
I wanted to say: me and my fellow stoners are gonna beat you in your sad little pyrrhic War on Drugs — battle by battle, concert by concert, Saturday night by Saturday night, one aced drug test at a time.