Once upon a time in America, we had a handful of news channels and newspapers to choose from, but now, we're in the midst of an information apocalypse, where we have more news outlets than strains of weed at your local dispensary. Let's be honest, who wouldn't prefer weed to news?
The news media has one mission, and one mission only: clickbait, ratings, and views. Yes, I know that's three things, but it's like a three-headed monster with a single goal: to keep us hooked like we're addicted to digital crack. And you know what that does to us? It divides us faster than a Bud Light can at a Kid Rock concert.
The news media in America is like that overly enthusiastic uncle who's constantly giving unsolicited advice. Except, now, we've got an army of uncles – all in our pockets, 24/7, vying for our precious attention. If you’re anything like me, the last place you want your uncle is in your pants.
So, how do we navigate this chaotic landscape, where every news outlet is like a car salesman trying to sell us their version of reality? The answer is simple: treat the American news like WWE wrestling. Facts, opinions, and straight-up delusions wrestling for supremacy in the 24-hour news octagon.
In the left corner, we've got the liberal-leaning networks, where the air reeks of smug self-righteousness, and every news anchor drives to work in a Tesla while sipping a kale smoothie. They'll preach that climate change is the most pressing issue of our time, and that all the turtles will all die if we don't swap our plastic straws for paper.
In the right corner, we have the conservative news outlets, who can't get enough of guns, outdated flags, and tax cuts. They'll swear that the real crisis is the invasion of soy lattes, political correctness, and that participation trophies are leading us to the gates of hell!
Then, there's the sensationalist media, which thrives on hysteria and clickbait. These networks will tell you that your Roomba is plotting to kill you, your goldfish is a deep-state operative, and there's a portal to another dimension in your sock drawer. Spoiler alert: your goldfish is just a goldfish, and the only portal in your sock drawer leads to a black hole of crusty mismatched socks.
So, how do we keep our sanity in this madhouse? First, we must embrace our role as skeptics and bullshit-detectors, willing to sniff out the truth among the steaming piles of media manure. This means not swallowing every headline we see, and cultivating a healthy dose of cynicism. Secondly, we must diversify our news consumption. Just as no sane person would binge on Taco Bell and coffee for a week straight (unless it’s beach bod season), we should consume news from a variety of sources. This means exploring articles from reputable sources with differing perspectives, and not just those that massage our own egos. This will help us avoid the dreaded echo chamber, where we only encounter opinions that make us feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Finally, we must cling to our sense of humor like a life raft in a sea of insanity. The news can often be depressing, but laughter is a middle finger to despair. So, let's take a step back and remember it’s important to think for ourselves. We might just find that we have way more in common than we thought, and our collective brainpower can cut through the fog of misinformation. After all, we're all just trying to make sense of this crazy world. But hey, if we can't find common ground on the news, at least the majority of us can agree on one thing: weed always makes everything better!
Brad's all-time favorite dumb, yet real, headlines.
Guy who says God sends natural disasters to punish gay people has home destroyed in natural disaster.
An Oak Hill community couple discovered a thief in their home Saturday after a man told a joke and heard a laugh upstairs
– The Courier
Florida couple arrested for selling tickets to heaven
– City World News
Man Struck by Lightning; Faces Battery Charge
– Shelby County Today
Missippi's literacy program shows improvement
– The Associated Press
Federal agents raid gun shop, Find weapons
– World Press
Scientist kill ducks to see why they’re dying
– The Northwest
Tiger goes limp! Pulls out after 9 holes
– New York Post