We’ve got a few predictions on how we’ll be allotting our screen time for the rest of the year. Here’s our top five ways that we expect to spend 2024 on our phones.


  1. Weigh the Various Pros and Cons of Meditation Apps Before Downloading One and Never Touching It Again

We do this about twice a year. We’ll peruse the app store for the one app that’s really going to help us get our shit together, we’ll read countless reviews and think heavily on all of our options before finally settling on an app. Then, we put it in the far recesses of our phone and never even think about it again.


  1. Watching YouTube Videos of People Losing at Slot Machines As We Attempt to Fall Asleep

Besides cat videos, we’re firm believers that YouTube was created to showcase people winning and losing massive amounts of cash at Vegas slot machines. If you’re ever having trouble falling asleep, just know these videos make some excellent ASMR. 

When we hear the audible emotional rollercoaster of people making poor financial decisions inside the Circus Circus Casino, something about it just makes us sleep like a stoned toddler.


  1. Learning Various Musical Intros Before Losing All Interest and Dropping the Project Entirely

There’s nothing more fun than waking up ambitious, getting out the old guitar or piano, and deciding that you’re finally going to learn that song you’ve always wanted to be able to bust out at the next shindig or campfire.

Then, halfway through the first riff of Crazy Train or the beginning chord progression of Wonderwall, we get bored and ditch the entire thing to watch an entire season of Love on the Spectrum on Netflix.


  1. Doomscrolling

We’re all guilty of this one. We love nothing better than waking up and wondering why we feel so depressed before launching into a three-hour marathon of constantly scrolling through news articles outlining various human atrocities as we continue to be desensitized to world devastation due to how much information we continuously receive through the internet.

This is by far our favorite way to use our smartphone, unless you count…


  1. Various Types of Cartoon Pornography

You know what’s only second place to the tender touch of a loving partner that you can be vulnerable with and confide in? Ginormous hand-drawn anime boobies.