Finally, a real guide to Colorado's three biggest cities that aren't Colorado Springs.

We've been navigating around the greater Denver metro area just fine with the help of Google maps and solar angles, but those maps are but topical representations of a landscape that is much more complicated than a city's name and highway system gives away.

That's why we're so, so thankful that we stumbled upon Judgmental Maps, a site that ignores basic geography to show a city's true personality in the form of rude, politically incorrect landmarks and zones. We went ahead and looked up our hoods; Boulder, Denver and Fort Collins to see what the true layout of these cities actually is, and man … we really feel like true locals now.

Here's what Judgmental Maps had to say about Colorado's three biggest cities that aren't Colorado Springs:


According to this map, the only place where real people reside is Northwest Boulder. The rest is is varying levels of college strata, drug cartels, and there's even a whole section of the city called "Drunk and walking home." It's super crazy to see how much "Food for not the Hill people" has changed over the years, and my, how "Skate Park" has grown! It has now expanded to cover what looks to be a good 12-35 blocks. Fun!

In case you were wondering, the Rooster office is located in the "The Hills Have Eyes People/ Storage Lockers" part of town.


Alright we know the text is pretty small on this guy, so we're just going to go ahead and point out some of the more salient landmarks on this map for your regretably human eyes:

North Denver: "Stinky Town," and also "People with diseases because of power plants." SO TRUE!

Downtown Denver: "Young Active Hobos," "Probably Good Rappers" and "Underground King Soopers." Amongst other things.

Colfax: "Drunk/homeless/drunk/homeless/drunk/homeless."

West Denver: Mostly "Yuppies," "Hippies" and "El Mexican Gentrifaction," punctuated by smaller zones of "Every cop in Denver" and "Scalpers."

Southwest Denver: "Loose Chihuahuas" and "Pho'kd Up." A delicious blend of Mexican and Southeast Asian flavors. Zesty!

East Denver: Mostly comprised of "People's bosses," "Nebraska" and "Wealthy cab drivers."

Fort Collins

Apparently, Fort Collins is the 20th most requested map, but the Judgmental Maps people haven't even heard of it, so to appease the pleas of their fans, they just generally judged an area of the country they thought might be Fort Collins and called it a day.

If you can't read that molecular font, it says Fort Collins is full of "ignored, alone and unpopulated white people surrounded by frat children." OoOoOo burn, cow town!