Each month, we compile our list of the worst of the worst; the things that make us want to move to Mexico and start a tiki bar with no outside contact from the world.
Woman uses Gorilla Glue as hairspray then rockets to fame
Evolution left one rock unturned with Tessica Brown, an Alabama woman who used Gorilla Glue to shape her hair when she ran out of hairspray. As predicted by anyone with an IQ higher than room-temperature, her hair became glued down and required surgery to untangle. Brown now has a talent agent and clothing brand because of the event. As for us, we’ve Gorilla-glued our mouth to an exhaust pipe to feel better about this dystopia of delinquents.
Dr. Fauci wins $1 million prize for defending science
Dr. Fauci, everyone’s favorite subject for death threats, is living his best self after he was awarded a $1 million prize from an Isreali-based foundation for “defending science.” Yes, you read that right. We’re guessing the foundation either ran out of award categories or the world’s fucked. Either way, when Fauci was asked what he’ll do with the money, he replied, “GME to the moon!”
The number of pairs of sneakers Kanye West moved out of his Southern California house which he shared with estranged wife Kim Kardashian. This divorce is ugly … still not as ugly as a pair of Yeezys though.
The current legal age to marry in the state of North Carolina which has become a “tourist destination for those looking to marry children,” according to GOP state Rep. Jason Saine who is behind a bill to raise the legal marrying age from 14 to 18. In other news, Wayfair relocates cabinet making business out of North Carolina.
30 Taliban militants die when bomb goes off during bomb-making class
The Taliban just can’t catch a break after more than 30 Taliban militants were killed when a IED they were learning how to build went off during their bomb-making class. We’re sure the lecture was explosive, but the kids, you know, they blow up so fast these days.
“I am not a cat”
The Roaring Kitty, also known as DeepFuckingValue to reddit /WallStreeBets users, in a comment to congress while testifying regarding the GameStop price surges as billions of dollars moved in a matter of days, leaving congress and the SEC shitting in one hand and wishing in the other. When a hedge fund makes a ton of money, it’s market efficiency. When retail traders make a ton of money, it’s market manipulation.
“I was just dropping the girls off in Cancun”
The excuse doughboy, dumb dumb Ted Cruz gave for flying to Cancun after photos emerged of him boarding a plane while his state of Texas faced freezing temperatures, power outages, and dying citizens. This spineless disregard for self-respect comment almost tops the time Trump called Cruz’ wife ugly and said his dad helped with JFK’s assasination yet the Texas senator supported Trump in trying to overturn the vote in 2020. Who just drops their kids — more so daughters— off in Mexico? Actually, Ted Cruz. On second thought, he’s telling the truth!