Today in science, the systematic enterprise that builds and organizes knowledge in the form of testable explanations and predictions, we have a paper from a respected oceanographer and biologist about blowing mermaids up with dynamite.

Today in science, the systematic enterprise that builds and organizes knowledge in the form of testable explanations and predictions, we have a paper from a respected oceanographer and biologist about blowing mermaids up with dynamite.

Karl Banse, everyone! He's written on everything from the use of satellites to detect phytoplankton concentrations to the transport of carbon into the deep oceans. But none of that matters now, because he's figured out why it is that when you swim in the ocean, you're befriended poisonous jellyfish, not beguilding, beautiful mermaids who show you their pearl necklace collections.

The mermaid paper, entitled "Mermaids: Their Biology, Culture, and Demise" was published in the journal Limnology and Oceanography. It brilliantly suggests that mermaids once thrived as vibrant ocean-farmers, but were fished to extinction following the use of underwater dynamite. According to Banse, this had several importation evolutionary impacts. He wrote,

"The removal of planktivorous visual predators (principally finfishes) shifted the ecological balance of open waters toward invertebrate predators, including jellyfish. Because mermaids had thin skin and no access to clothing, they were helpless, especially at night, against the stings of jellyfish." So there: now you can blame your lack of aquatic BFFs on dynamite and jellyfish.

The paper also reflected on mermaid culture prior to their decimation:

In considering the culture of mermaids, two facts of life in the marine realm—the lack of fire (hence, no pottery or metallurgy) and the absence of fibers suitable for basketry, clothing, or ropes—must be considered. Thus, in spite of the propitious anatomical base of hands and large brains, the only development possible for mermaids was an analog to a very early human stone-age culture. Clearly, though, the physical want did not preclude a relatively advanced socio-political structure…Therefore, [they] must not be thought of as mere hunters and gatherers, but as farmers cultivating shellfish and seagrasses, with the organizational and political stability needed for allocating plots and enforcing the assignments.

Great! Now that we've solved that paralyzing mystery, maybe science can move on to more relevant issues like whether that short man is a leprechaun and what the deal is with Bigfoot. If jellyfish have anything to do with either of those, we're gonna be pissed.