In what is by far the weirdest order of words we’ll create this month, British spies are alleging that Russia is training dolphins to attack enemy divers in the Russian-occupied Crimean Peninsula.
According to an article from NavalNews (which is an entirely different website from our favorite news source, NavelNews) the Russian military has invested heavily in the base since last year, but instead of buying military equipment and focusing on recruitment efforts, it seems as though Russia is attempting to launch a Soviet-era Sea World.
In addition to Dolphin patrols, Orca whales have been spotted terrorizing yachting competitions over the last few months, which leads us to our theory that the dolphins are actually training the Russians instead of the other way around.
If we had to guess, the dolphins will use Russians as infantry units during what we’ll eventually call “The Great Aquatic Mammal Wars of the 21st Century.”
Yeah, it sounds crazy, but mark our words: we think it’s only a matter of time before a Beluga Whale pushes Putin out of a seven-story window.