Oh, let us count the ways that these two dumbasses embody douche-hood …

A dumbass Canberra couple have vowed to end their "sacred" 10 year marriage with a divorce if Australia allows same-sex couples to legally marry.

Nick Jensen and his wife Sarah believe that "widening the definition of marriage to include same-sex couples threatens the sacred nature of the union and leaves the door open to polygamy."

The Christian duo have been "happily married" for over a decade, have no intention of separating and want to have more kids.

But in a novel protest against gay marriage in Australia, Nick wrote in an article published in Canberra CityNews on Wednesday that they are prepared to divorce.

"My wife and I, as a matter of conscience, refuse to recognize the government's regulation of marriage if its definition includes the solemnization of same sex couples," said Mr. Jensen in the article. "Legalizing same-sex marriage would undermine our most sacred institution, and have serious consequences for children who would grow up without a mother or father."

…. Are you not undermining marriage yourselves by threatening divorce?!?!

It gets worse.

Nick's simple mind also feared that recognizing gay couples would mean that the definition of marriage could be expanded even further to all-out polygamy.

"Once you say that marriage is detached from children, [that it's] just about love, then when three people come to the state and say 'well we're all in love', then the state has no grounds, except unjust discrimination, to say why they can't get married," he said.

So what, Nick? Have you ever not been get out of bed in the morning and do your job because three people somewhere love each other?

Anyway, despite the inherent stupidity of their platform, they've decided that becoming martyrs would be the best course of action in the fight against gay marriage.

Which … if you think about it … is probably the best excuse for getting out of a relationship we've ever heard. Next time we want out, we're just going to blame the breakup on some broad social issue like "over-fishing" then sit our ass down in the first strip club that serves chicken nuggets we see.

Few things.

1. First … no one's insular, individual relationship is responsible for maintaining the delicate balance of marriage rights in any given place. Nobody's own shitty marriage means enough to change the landscape for thousands of other couples who get married for hundreds of reasons aside from reproduction under the watch of God. That's like saying "I'm going to starve myself until world hunger is ended, giggle!" Believing that you have the power to do that is self-righteous and megalomaniacal. No Australian lawmaker is going to say, "Well, 68 percent of the country is in favor of legalizing gay marriage, but this one couple in Canberra might get divorced if we do that … decisions, decisions." That's not how government, or life in general works.

2. Is divorce itself not looked down upon biblically? It is. So they're not being "good Christians," they're just being dicks.

3.The sheer thought of Nick and Sarah being single is just going to make straight people want to be more gay so they can avoid dating them. Counterproductive to their cause.

4. When was the last time you heard of gay polygamy? We're 100 percent certain that the vast majority of polygamists are straight couples with jaw-dropping age differences living in Utah. Connecting homosexuality to polygamy is just an argument tactic that ignores the issue at hand and expands it to something greater … usually people use that tactic when they don't have a leg to stand on in their own argument. Plus, who cares if many people want to marry each other? If you have so little going on in your own personal life that you care what people do in theirs, that's your problem.

5. Ugh.

So we say go ahead, Nick and Sarah, King and Queen of Douche Nation. Get divorced. No one's going to bat a long, glitter-mascara coated eyelash.