When Donald Trump announced that he'd selected formed ExxonMobile exec Rex Tillerson to hold the one position responsible for keeping world order intact, no one could really believe it.
But, we never would have guessed just how much of a Book of Mormon-esque fantasy tale his ascension to the nation's third-highest office actually was.
According to an interview he gave with the Independent Journal Review, Tillerson did not ever, even for a micro-millisecond, want to be the secretary of state. Quite the opposite. The only aspiration the poor guy had as a newly retired 65-year-old oil exec was "going to the ranch to be with my grandkids." He just wanted to be a paw-paw!
In fact, he'd never even met Donald Trump before he was offered the position. He said he'd been summoned out of the blue to Trump Tower following the surprise election victory and was asked to talk with the president-elect "about the world."
“When he asked me at the end of that conversation to be secretary of state, I was stunned,” he said. “I didn’t want this job. I didn’t seek this job."
So, what the living shit is he doing here?
Two and a half words: Renda St. Clair. Tillerson's wife.
“My wife told me I’m supposed to do this," he admitted to IRJ on the flight home from his controversial trip to Asia. Apparently, after he'd returned home to good ol' Texas after his meeting with Trump, Renda — which has to be short for Brenda — shook her finger in his face and said: “I told you God’s not through with you.”
After that, he was pretty much like D'oh-kay, Ren-duh and a large string of spit oozed slowly out of his mouth. It's unclear whether he asked Renda for a plate of hard boiled eggs at that point, or if he just went straight back to gluing dried macaroni onto a paper plate.
Since then, thing have gone just great!
So far, Rowdy Grandpa Rex has pissed off South Korea, been purposely left out of several critical foreign policy decisions (including the infamous Muslim 'travel ban'), been reamed for constantly dodging the press, and skipped his first NATO foreign ministers meeting. In fact, he's so bad at making meetings, that Trump's daughter Ivanka has met with roughly the same number of heads of state as he has.
He's also so piss-poor at public speaking or knowing anything about anything that, when the IRJ (a typically conservative publication) asked him about Russia, they didn't even use his responses in their article about him because: "He was so cagey … his answer wasn’t even worthy of inclusion.”
Just a quick reminder: this is America's top diplomat we're talking about here. This is the guy whose responsibility it is to keep our country on good terms with other countries that can ruin us, and he a.) can't even talk and b.) is solely in this position because his wife told him to take the job.
Meanwhile, Trump has quietly been moving most of America's foreign policy responsibilities away from the state department and into the clutches of White House cronies such as Ivanka's hubby Jared Kushner and KKK wet dream Steve Bannon, ostensibly so that the system of checks and balances our constitution has successfully implemented for centuries implodes and crumbles into a lifeless exoskeleton. The less power the state department has, the more power Trump and the White House are given, making it easier for them to control world and domestic affairs to a greater extent without the annoyance of oh, say, people in other departments who know what they're doing.
But! That's just our little conspiracy theory. Here's to hoping that Tillerson gets axed before he negotiates some kind of insane nuclear bomb deal with North Korea ("You can bomb Alaska if you get Renda off my back") so that he can get back to the ranch with his grandkids where he ding dang belongs.