There's no shortage of scientific studies that showcase just how dumb people can be when they’re horny.
People lie, take embarrassing risks and stop on other people's emotions under the influence of insatiable genital throbbing — but, hey — this douchebaggery is universal. We've all had nights (and days, and afternoons, and mid-afternoon-days) when we were harder or wetter than we were smarter or kinder in that moment.
… Not that being horny beyond logic is necessarily a bad thing.
It could push you to do something you don’t regret at all — something so fun it makes the risk worth it. After all, what’s a life well-lived without a few good stories?
Here are a few people whose unquenchable appetite for fuck lead them to some very high and low places … just don't judge them too hard.
You know you’ve got a story just like this.
Payton, 27, writer
"I took a $200 cab ride to the rural coast of Mexico, by myself, during a hurricane, so I could go to a dark, abandoned beach and have sex with a guy who lasted maybe 12 seconds."
Emily, 20, 2D animator
“I was really attracted to one of my lady friends in my home town. The tension became too much, and she and I had started hooking up, initially with her boyfriend’s permission. After a while, her boyfriend started to say that he was uncomfortable with how intense it was getting between us. So I had a threesome with both of them just to get with her again. I wasn’t into the guy … at all.”
Billie, 25, chef
"My boyfriend of three years and I hadn't been having a lot of sex, which he told me was because he "needed more romance" to feel aroused. Okay, I thought. Challenge accepted. A candlelit dinner at our favorite restaurant, a full body massage set to Enya, a handwritten love note, a playlist of songs that reminded me of him and a fucking bed full of rose petals later, we had sex. Then I realized I set the bar too high."
Jillian, 27, journalist
“I relentlessly pursued a guy I knew didn’t like me and I couldn’t make cum. I’d lost my self-respect that year, and it went on for way too long. I had a roommate who had a best friend who would come over often. He looked like James Vanderbeek, so I couldn’t help myself. We hooked up over the course of a year, but the whole time he would tell me, “You’re not funny, you’re not that attractive.” I was just thinking, “Don’t listen to that, listen to him wanting to fuck you.” I had built up this illusion that we had this awesome sexual chemistry, and it just wasn’t true. “
Natalie, 26, photographer
“I once offered to be the tie-ee at a rope fetish event for two full days in hopes of hooking up with the instructor. Totally worked too. And it was a really fun two days.”
Scott, 26, insurance sales guy
“I went to Niagara Falls to see this girl from my communications class. But, my friend Katie was all over me and wanted to bang. So much so that the girl from my communications class was getting really skeptical and asking, “Am I interrupting?” My chances were looking slim, but I finally managed to go home with Communications Girl. We get back to her house, and she made me eat homemade banana bread. Then her friends bust in the front door and they want to chat about their terrible night and how her one friend couldn’t get laid to save her life. Then another friend comes through the door.
A guitar douche. “Hey everyone, check out this new song I learned!” He starts singing, “I don’t practice Santeria …”
In the middle of all this, Communications Girl had left the table to go puke out all the tequila she had that night. When she came back she said, 'I hope this doesn’t ruin it for you, because I still really want to have sex with you.'
Long story short, it was actually really great sex.”
Ian, 28, bartender
"I had this crazy sexual tension with a female friend of mine, but she had a boyfriend, so we couldn't do anything about it right of the bat. So, instead of resign myself to that sad reality, I spent five months slowly making her fall in love with me, texting her links to New Yorker articles I knew she'd like and having intense, deep conversations with her … all that shit that makes two people think they're compatible. Basically making her come to me because I knew the explosive payoff would be so great. When we couldn't handle it anymore, we finally fucked, then went about our separate ways. The sex wasn't worth the hard work, but … it could have been so I don't regret it. Am I an asshole? Probably, but … you asked."
Calli, 28, works for a company that sells skateboards
"I made a guy drive from our home town to a beach community about three hours away for one night. Just for shitty sandy beach sex. He showed up in the evening and once it was dark, we left my group of friends and walked up to the beach. Which sounds romantic, but sex, sand and day drinking don’t really go together."
The next morning, he accidently left with my car keys and cell phone in his car. He showed up, like a hero, two hours after leaving and returned them. I think he’s an engineer now and like, makes fucking spaceships and shit."
Aidan, 21, visual artist
“I used to rent a room from a very Christian Polish family and they didn't allow people over night. I would regularly sneak a guy in at 2 a.m. and I would have to wait until everyone had left the house before sneaking him back out.
One time we were really drunk and particularly loud, and when I was sneaking him out, the Polish son was on the living room couch. After I got back in, he confronted me and asked me if someone stayed over and I had to lie and say that I was up really late doing an art project.”
Beth, 24, dancer
“This one guy, he was part of a boyband from California, and he was living in Toronto when I was gogo dancing. We had a mutual friend and I was working that night at a club. My friend brought the guys into my hotel room to hang out while we got ready and me and this guy had a great connection (he was handsome in a blonde hair blue eyed kind of way).
When we went to the club and I was working, he couldn't keep his eyes off me, and started getting handsy. Since I was working, I wasn't allowed to show one guy affection, so it was fun toying with him.
After a night full of grinding and getting a little too friendly on the dance floor, we all went back to the hotel and I said goodnight. He gave me his number and was texting me non stop for a while, until I finally said we could go to a museum together, but that's it. We did, and after, we went back to my hotel room and I swear, this was the best sex I ever had.”
Brendan, 29, director
"When I was 16-ish, this girl and I were hooking up in her car. It was a big SUV — a Ford Explorer or something. It was the dead of winter, the middle of a blizzard, and maybe 20 degrees outside … but the body heat kept the car survivably warm. She asked me if I had a condom and shit — I was out (I was having soo much sex when I was 16, apparently). She told me if I wanted to fuck her — and I did —that I needed to get a condom first (smart girl). Thing is, we couldn't drive there because, surprise! We were wasted. So, I had to go on foot. I left her with the car running to walk 10 blocks to the nearest Walgreen's in the arctic freeze to get a condom, dying the whole time, and — surprise again, they're closed. I'm fucked. I call a cab and go to the next nearest pharmacy, spending the pathetic amount of money I had to get there. I buy some condoms, then realize I don't have enough money for a cab back to this girl. So, in desperation, I figure I'll just run back and try to beat the cold. I get about two blocks before I slip on ice and erase my face on the ground. Bleeding, I get up and keep running, determined not cryogenically freeze myself prematurely. Somehow, I make it back to this where this girl's car was, but … SHE'S GONE.
I took too long.
The whole ordeal took about 45 minutes, and freezing and low and gas, she dipped.
Went home, washed the blood off, and jacked off."
Leave a Reply