Knowing when, where and how you're gonna kick the can is about as impossible as removing a condom gracefully.  But thanks to some handy dandy statistical fuckery, we can make the closest approximation of your exit date in Colorado so you can start crossing things off that sexual bucket list we know you have.

Let's get started.

Colorado's current population is 5.26 million people. The average moratlity rate is 678 deaths per 100,000 people, per year. So, right off the bat, there's a 6.7% chance you'll die this year. Alrighty-then!

Let's get to the how.

Well for starters, you could die at your job. In Colorado, 392 people died at work in 2013, which means there's a 0.007% chance you'll die serving sizzling fajitas at TGI Friday's. But although we know you feel like dying every time your boss calls you in for a progress report, just know that you could literally be dying instead.

The most common ways to die at work? Animals and transportation incidents.

In Boulder, Denver, and Ft. Collins, you're most likely to die of cancer … not from eating a weed edible as you might assume.

Although Colorado has a much lower cancer mortality rate than the rest of the country, lung and breast cancer are the most fatal in the square state.

In terms of infectious disease, influenza and pnuemonia are the two top killers in Colorado. Not Ebola or Bubonic Plague as your irrational fears would like to think. Your chances of dying from one of these diseases is 0.1 percent, but increases the more rural you get.

… but if cancer doesn't get you, heart disease will. Heart disease is the leading cause of death for all of Colorado. But that's an ironic statement, since Colorado ranks 49th in the country for heart disease mortality rates. At least we're dying skinny.

The Rooster target audience, however, is most likely to kick it in a road traffic accident. Car wrecks are the number one cause of death of Coloradans aged 15-24. Just to be clear, our market starts at age 18, not 15. We're not that creepy, and plus Angela didn't invite us to her quincenera, so all 15-year-olds are banned.

But don't worry, 25-35 year olds, you're in our special, exclusive target market as well. Poisoning is what's going to do you in, dear friend. Prescription overdose poisoning, to be specific. Prescription drug deaths now outnumber deaths from heroin and cocaine combined, both stateside and nationally.

Yep, we sure do love our drugs … but about 50% of states love drugs more. Colorado ranks 24th in drug overdose mortality rates.

We're mostly overdosing on benzodiazepines, which is a drug class that includes sedatives to treat insomnia and other psychological issues.

Coloradans, of course, love to party. And for many of us, that means boozing our way toward inhibition. Unfortunately, for 197 Coloradans a year, that means overdose. Alcohol is the 29th most common cause of death, and if you think about all the possible ways you could die, alcohol is pretty high up there. No Fireball for baby tonight.

Meanwhile, weed has killed all of zero people, anywhere, ever! Moving along.

Speaking of killing people, let's talk about murder. You'd think the highest homicide rate would be in Denver, but Denver is actually second to Montezuma County, where an average of 11 out of 100,000 people are murdered every year. That's about twice the national average.

In Colorado, most homicides are caused by firearms. Colorado has an firearm homicide death rate of 11.5, meaning that out of 100,000 people, that many will die from shooting.

But, good news. If you're imprisoned for your murderous ways, it's phenomenally unlikely that you'll die by capital punishment. Although the death penalty is legal in Colorado, only one person has ever been executed since it was reinstated in 1975. The two top killers of Colorado inmates are, undramatically enough, heart disease and cancer … although we wouldn't put it past Murder Mike in Cellblock D.

Okay … say that bullet doesn't kill you and instead just goes through your favorite leg. You have a 21% chance from dying from hospital-induced sepsis, which is caused buy bacteria or other pathogens that find their way into IVs, open wounds, and any other outside thing that leads to your inside thing.

Let's transition now to Colorado's famed terrain. There's mountains here. Lots and lots of 'em. So it only makes sense that every now and then, someone would fall off of one to meet their demise. In fact, falls are the 10th most common cause of death in this here state. Falls mostly claim the lives of seniors aged 55+, but then again, what are they doing scaling Pike's Peak anyway? Get down from there.

On the subject of mountain dying, Colorado has almost twice as many avalanche fatalities per year as any other state.

And despite being raging lately, you're highly unlikely to die in a river … although two people died whitewater rafting and eight people died tubing in 2014.

Of course, one of the most terrifying parts of the Colorado wilderness is the wildlife. However, only one person since 2000 has been killed by a bear in Colorado, and only three people have been killed by mountain lions in the last 30 years.

Okay, now let's get to the when.

The average life expectancy of Coloradans is 79.9, so once people start sending you "Happy 80th!" birthday cards, start making arrangements. We have the 9th longest life expectancy in the U.S. Hawaii has the longest with 81.2 years, because we know you wanted to know.

The first week of August is the deadliest time of the year. The month if January also likes to claim lives.

There's no Colorado data on the most common time of day to die, but nationally most people die around 11 A.M.

In the future, you may die via assisted suicide. Colorado is currently drafting a bill called Death with Dignity that aims to legalize human euthanasia for terminally ill patients.


So, from these measurements, it appears that you're most likely to die around age 75 to due driving your car off a cliff after a benzo overdose (you're taking them to help you sleep through the chemo you receive for your lung cancer) while simultaneously having a heart attack around 11 A.M. during the first week of August.

Shit. We better have a midget threesome now, because we only have fifty more years to live.