Meet 11 weird-ass things that promise to obliterate any sense of normalcy in your sex life.
Sure, we like to get a little kinky from time to time. But these products take kinky to level of weird that's beyond our comprehension.
Basically porn-store ether, these little bottles of trouble contain various types of alkyl nitrates. Here's what happens when you sniff them: You get a head rush similar to when you stand up too fast, and then (best part) the muscles around your anus relax. It's buttsex time!
2. Pipe Dreams Products Midget Man Inflatable Doll
Okay, a few things. First, Mike peed his pants. See? Second, "bear's?" The dubious spelling makes it all the more exciting to fulfill your fantasy of bouncing up and down on an inanimate midget. Can't wait to take this baby to the "carpool lanes." Fuck, man.
3. Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray
Ever been deepthroating someone or something, and thought, "I wish I could anesthetize my esophagus right now"? Well now you can with this cleverly titled throat spray. It helps suppress your gag reflex, so you can go to town on that 8==D. Comfortably Numb actually got rave reviews on Amazon. Check them out if penises make you puke.
4. 18 Again Vaginal Shrink Cream
Jury's out about whether or not vag shrinking creams like this work- most of them have a mild stringent in them, which basically puckers soft tissue. Shopinprivate.com had this to say about it…
5. Penis Toothbrush
We don't know how well this thing will help you maintain a healthy set of chompers, but it'll probably remind you to brush more often. The more you think about sex, the better teeth you'll have. Brilliant.
A snuggie for your penis! A fuzzy sock that warms your cock! Tuggie advertises their product as for "men who like to run around the house naked." Slip your penis in that fuzzy penis holder any time it's cold, but the rest of your body inexplicably isn't.
7. Party Time After Sex Towel
If you don't use this towel to clean up, you're technically killing a tree every time you cum with all those tissues you use. Think about it.
8. Life Lounge Footgina
Foot-fetishers rejoice! The Footgina shatters the notion that it's physiologically impossible to fuck someone's feet. This 100% silicon cast is made from a "real life actual, beautiful female foot," and it comes in right and left feet for you picky fellows.
9. Anal Ring Toss
Is that what "tossing a salad" means? Someone get this girl some Poppers.
10. Musical Condom
Look at this guy! Look at this video!
11. Weener Kleener
The packaging says it all. "Woohooo, I'm gonna get cleaned!"