There's news, and then there's news that makes us wonder how it's possible that humans haven't gone extinct.
There's news, and then there's news that makes us wonder how it's possible that humans haven't gone extinct.
Such as, but not limited to:
Man attempts to murder roommate for eating Chips Ahoy for breakfast
Everyone has their own weird food pet peeves, but an Illinois man is taking his to a whole (bloodthirsty) new level. He's facing attempted murder and domestic battery charges after he allegedly tried to murder his roommate. Her crime? Eating three Chips Ahoy cookies for breakfast.
… Yeah. Her indulgent, nutriton-less A.M. meal apparently triggered a deep-seated commitment towards straightforward breakfast in him, and he flew into a rage never before experienced in the presence of cookies. She was saved by her husband and landlord, who heard the commotion and pried his vice-like, cookie-hating hands from her throat. Shoulda sprung for the Cookie Crisps instead. At least that's a specially-designated breakfast item.
Does anyone know of a silo we can rent for the next forever?
The guy's bail is set for $700,000, which is a coincidence because …
… The Kim Kardashian game makes $700,00 dollars a day
No one know what Kim Kardashian is famous for, and they'll think the same about you as you imitate her rise to fame in the new "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" mobile game from Glu Mobile. It lets you create an avatar that can work to achieve virtual A-list status by kissing celebrity ass, going to photo shoots, and wearing expensive clothes. Does anyone know if there's a "Make sex tape" option?
The game is free to download, but players spend their actual, hard-earned money on things like virtual clothes, virtual hairstyles and energy boosts for their avatars. The more your avatar does, the faster you can move up the ranks from the E List to the A List — the objective of the game. Translation: the more of your paycheck you spend picking out an avatar hairdo, the more well known you become to other people who are starving their children to get virtual highlights.
If sales continue at their current rate, the game will gross at a really gross $200 million in its first year, putting in the big leagues alongside mobile games like Candy Crush. In other news, we're stockpiling bottled water and toilet paper.
Vice writer girl fertilizes salad with period blood
(Image: Joey Prince)
If you haven't read the article yet, we'll save you some time. A girl fertilizes some lettuce soil with her period blood, has a one night stand (as is customary in all Vice articles) and then eats it in a salad. It's a great example of a question that starts the "What is newsworthy?" discussion, but it's also an example of how society is crumbling like a Chips Ahoy cookie that survived a breakfast feasting. Period blood is just organic material, and most organic material is a good plant fertilizer … is that news? Plus, in the article, she specifically says that she's grown the same variety of lettuce without period soup, so … remind us why she's doing this again?
It's one of those things where Vice tries to be as gross as possible to seem edgy. Most of the time it works for them, but sometimes, it seems desperate. Sometimes it makes us want to take about a million wilderness survival classes and develop an appetite for chipmunk to prepare for the end.
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