The hard-knock streets of Denver just got a little meaner this week.

Weirdly breaking news: a group of unidentified scofflaws are on the loose in Denver, busting into unsuspecting victim’s homes to casually stream Netflix and snack on their delectable Hot Pockets.

According to a report, their activities have been limited to ingesting highly specific snacks from the homes of their confused victims including “a bag of beef jerky, a box of raisins, some Mountain Dew, chewing gum, and a couple of Hot Pockets. Everything else in the breached homes remained untouched—including computers, credit cards, and cash.”

However, the burglarizing snacker did appear to stream some anime on their Netflix accounts … because what goes better with Hot Pockets than Japanese action cartoons? Straight up NOTHING.

The odd series of events prompted the Denver Police Department to post a warning on its Facebook page stating that an unknown burglar had broken into at least three separate Denver homes.

One victim, Caroline Palmer, of west Denver, came home while the culprit was just posted up on the couch in her living room on September 4.

“He looked like a young kid, maybe 11 or 12, which was just bizarre,” recounted Palmer, “The television was on, blaring. He was watching Japanese anime cartoons on my Netflix account.”

The brazen menace quickly fled the scene through the back door when Ms. Palmer arrived.

“He had eaten an entire bag of beef jerky and then there was a box of raisins,” Palmer told ABC7 News. “And there were ten pieces of chewed gum left in the sink.” Rude.
It was only a matter of time before the Naruto-loving specter struck again. This time he fled the scene just before Adam and Laura Gosenca returned to their east Denver home to find the screen pried off a window and their pantry raided.

“There was a Mountain Dew open on the counter,” remembered Laura Gosenca, “and I took a drink before I realized … someone else had left it.”

A third similar incident was recounted in which a homeowner spotted two individuals running from his home, this time the items reported stolen were a pair of Hot Pockets missing from his freezer. It’s good that he thought to take inventory of his Hot Pockets.

Oh, the horror! Will this burglarizing, backwash insanity ever stop!?

Despite the overwhelming evidence and the glaringly identical aspects for all three incidents, the Denver Police Department is claiming the three instances are not related or perpetrated by the same individual(s).

As if the streets of Denver weren’t safe enough, now we have to worry about a mangy pack of rogue, pre-diabetic bandits after our choicest snacks. Fuck.