You guys are buying the weirdest sex shit online …
If there was ever an accurate cross section of our unique American sexuality, it's on Amazon.com. There, people's product choices speak volumes about their sexual habits, and more broadly … life, man.
Amazon's best-selling sex products in particular paint a picture about where we are as a people right now. And we've listed the top 10 best-sellers here for you today, in a scholarly and good-natured attempt to find out what the current state of sex is and what lessons we can learn from the things people like to buy for their genitals.
Here they are, totally in order.
#1: So-So Lube
When it comes to lube, it can't work too well. Four out of fives stars for product quality is more than enough for today's genitalia. That's a solid B-, enough to make you say "eh" instead of "ah." Because, after all, a slight sense of disappointment is customary after the thrill of orgasm, so why not transfer that shame to a slippery butt gel?
Ten percent of Amazon reviewers said this product burned them, yet, it's inexplicably the #1 best-selling sex product on the site. Coincidence? Please.
Lesson: People are comfortable in the realm of mediocrity.
#2: Basic-Ass Gas Station Condoms
When it comes to condoms, people seem to enjoy them the most when they take two weeks to arrive by mail and have to pay for shipping and handling. This procurement method is much more effective at facilitating good sex, because in the time it takes to get them, you can use the "no condom" excuse and raw dog it into the sunset. Logic prevails again.
Never mind the fact that Amazon's second best-selling product, the Trojan Enz condom, is available, in person, at any type of store, anywhere, at any time. That's too easy.
Lesson: We want a challenge. A challenge like having unprotected sex and conquering gonorrhea while our Amazon condom order snakes its way between states in a shipping crate to us.
#3: Microscopic, yet Curiously Powerful Vibrators
They say size matters, but apparently, that's only in reference to penises.
When it comes to vibrators, the most popular ones seem to be compact, friendly little guys. Is this because they're easy to transport and conceal? Maybe. Is this because they're non-intimidating and inhuman enough to work into the bedroom? Probably. Or is it just because, as Amazon reviewers say, it's "cute?" Resoundingly, yes.
Lesson: If you have a micropenis, it's fine as long as it vibrates.
#4: Some Goddamn Penis Pills
Penis pills don't work. Nor have they ever. Nor will they ever. Also, the sky is blue.
Yet, could this particular bottle of penis pills possibly change all that? Amazon users think yes.
Naturally, this is despite the fact that the positive reviews for these supposed dick-enhancers were all either admittedly paid, or from people who received free product in exchange for a review. Okay then! We guess the rabid and mistaken interest in these pills has something to do with a general male fear that they'll be replaced by tiny, waterproof vibrators. Which is true.
Lesson: Men still haven't figured out cunnilingus.
#5: The Internet Condom Train Continues
Actual review: "Wife didn't get pregnant….thats good in my book. Feels like any condom, they all suck after you had sex without them. But safe sex and preventing pregnancies is important so buy these. I just had a baby and wife refuses birth control and the pull out method didn't work so, I gotta wear these or have 10 babies."
Lesson: People are actually having safe sex?!
#6: Toy Cleaner
Amazon is probably the largest online sex toy retailer, so it makes sense that their sixth best-selling product would be something to sanitize all those hundreds of thousands of dongs with.
Lesson: Cleanliness is godliness.
#7: A Vibrator With More Functions Than the International Space Station That Also Doesn't Work
Thirty frequencies of vibration? Double stimulation of the G-Spot and clitoris? Female, Male, Lover? Silent? This thing does more tricks than a circus. Yet, it's only rated 3.5/5 stars because despite claiming to do these things, it does exactly none of them according to the product's reviews.
It is, however, only $14.99. That's only slightly more than a hairbrush and about the same price as like six cucumbers, none of which are things you want to resort to.
Lesson: As long as it's not produce, it'll do.
#8: Trojan Magnums???
There's no way.
Lesson: We're all lying to ourselves about our penis sizes.
#9: The Most Beautiful Butt Plug On the Planet
The saying "a diamond in the rough" has never been more relevant than when applied to this beautiful butt toy, a majestic little piece of stainless steel that "adds a little sparkle to your stimulation."
Lesson: You can bejazzle anything.
#10: Tech Condoms
Nowhere in the natural kingdom can one find a penis with raised ribs and dots that stays lubricated throughout sex … but perhaps that's why these Durex willy jackets are Amazon's 10th best-selling item. Men hate them because they're thick and completely kill sensation, but women love them because of the added sensation. Could be that women, not men in this case, are buying all the tech-ass prophylactics.
Lesson: If a condom looks and feels like an alien penis, people are DTF.
Well, there you have it, kids. You don't have to work well to be a top-selling product, but one thing's for sure: if you're cheap, vibrate, and prevent pregnancy, there's a good chance you'll make it onto Amazon's best-sellers list, where mediocrity matters and jewels are king.