There are snowmen, and there are unbelievably sexy snowmen, the latter of which we've scoured the internet for, then forced them to compete in a pagent to determine which snowman can claim the coveted title of "Sexiest Snomwan 2013."

Contestant No. 1: Arnold Schwarzeneggar

Talent: Steroids

Contestant No. 2: Sexually Adventurous Outdoor Exhibitionist Team

Talent: Accidental procreation

Contestant No. 3: Kim Kardashian Minus the Annoying Head

Talent: Not having a head that houses a brain that thinks of stupid Tweets

Contestant No. 4: Shirtless Pessimist Snowman

Talent: Melting into a forgotten oblivion, and handwriting

Contestant No. 5: Frozen Fellatio Duo

Talent: Swallowing

Contestant No. 6: BBW Snow-Woman

Talent: Demolishing all your pizza bagels in one sitting

Contestant No. 7: Boobs McGee

Talent: Existing

Contestant No. 8: Not-Quite-Porn-But-Still-Tastefully-Erotic-Snow-Woman

Talent: Making us feel weird about our newfound attraction to snow

Contestant No. 9: Beautiful-On-The-Inside Snow-Creation

Talent: Reminding us of Lena Dunham

Contestant No. 10: Gary Busey

Talent: Deflecting bullets with his teeth and smiling in a way that could be construed as either eerie or maniacal, depending on the context

Contestant No. 11: David Bowie's Scarf


Talent: Keeping Iman's grubby hands off David Bowie's perfect neck

Contestant No. 12: The Rage Meme

Talent: This…

Contestant No. 13: A Snowman Constructed Using the Entire Contents of Your Neighborhood Grocery Store

Talent: Squirrel feeding

Contestant No. 14: Psy from Gangnam Style

Talent: Not a goddamn thing.

Well, that's quite a crop of confusingly attractive snowmen. But there's one snowman who eclipsed them all in the competition for "Sexiest Snowman of 2013." One that was so sexy, that it convinced a man to make love to it, incurring an arrest and a nasty case of frostbite on his penis. Now that's what we call sexy. Our winner, ladies and gentlemen…