Spending a lot of time with dudes in suits, you begin to realize they're not much different than the common man. Sure, a level of professionalism suggests they won't be out there bonging Captain Morgan on Instagram or licking Molly off of some random Tinder hookup in a concert venue parking lot, but they're human — and humans love to party. 

Would we expect the most powerful person in the free world to be any different?


By now it's common knowledge our first elected president grew hemp on his plantation, something not at all surprising considering the prevalence of the non-psychoactive plant back in the day (it wouldn't be considered illegal until September of 1937). What many may not know, is that Washington often got hyphy on laudanum — a potent narcotic containing morphine and codeine — to combat the pain from his many recorded dental problems. Though since it was still legal at the time, Washington's use would be equivalent to someone today popping too many Vicodin's from a surgery they had 3 years ago. Doctor prescribed but arching over into that whole abuse thing.


The passage of the Harrison Act made opium America's first "illicit substance" in 1914, damn near a century after Thomas Jefferson died in his Monticello, Virginia, mansion. The estate is where he grew swaths of opium poppies and used them to get all 'woo-hoo and shit.' Long after he passed, the keepers of his land continued the tradition of growing and using the plants, until the DEA came in and demanded they be removed in 1987. 


Jackson was never reported to be a serious rager during his time in the White House, though it's been documented that he would smoke tobacco and weed heavily with his troops during wartime, a common practice by yesteryear standards. Not exactly sure how they ever got any fighting done while high, but, sure …


For whatever reason, the 8th President of the United States could take bottles to the face and never feel its effects. It was well documented that Buren would often drink massive quantities throughout the day yet never appear to be intoxicated or feel hangovers the next day. His status earned him the nickname: "Blue Whiskey Van" — though ultimately gave him painful gout and myriad health problems.


Most presidents have used alcohol, but Franklin Pierce is often cited as one of the nation's drunkest. His time in the office is said to have been spent self-medicating after an accident nearly took the life of his son. When his term was over, he famously said: "There is nothing left … but to get drunk."


James Buchanan and Martin Van Buren shared a few things in common. Buchanan could take pints to the dome just like Buren could, without showing any signs of being white-girl wasted. He would chastise the help as well when the White House would have tiny little champagne bottles instead of massive kegs to dive into. 


His heavy drinking aside (it was actually pretty common for early 19th-century men to be drunks, after all), Ulysses S. Grant became addicted to cocaine later in his life. No, it wasn't that he was bumping rails off of Port-o-Potty hand sanitizers at Coachella, either. In fact, during his later years, he came down with a painful case of throat cancer, and medicated using a French wine tonic called Vin Mariani. The 'medicine' contained six milligrams of cocaine per fluid ounce. He'd suck bottles of those things dry while writing his memoir and continued to do so up until the day he died. 


Ever wonder where the Kennedy's got all their money? JFK's father, Joseph P. Kennedy, started a liquor company immediately after prohibition ended and the rest is history. Though he wasn't ever rumored to be a heavy drinker, Kennedy was seen smoking weed inside of the White House by numerous people, and stories still float around to this day about LSD and amphetamine use (doctor prescribed, of course). Leave it up to the youngest president ever to also be the rowdiest. SMH, youths …


This lying-ass democrat once tried to tell the entire world he "didn't inhale" when asked about prior weed use. Like, you're perfectly okay with sleeping around on interns and saying "you didn't have sexual relations" with them and we're supposed to believe you didn't hit a blunt? Come on Bill …


George Bush was a maniac in his earlier days. Arrested for a DUI in 1976, he also used cocaine and spent many of his years in college at Yale drunk as hell— living the dream off of dad's money and stature.


Obama DGAF. Early on in his political run, he admitted to using cocaine and famously replied, "That's the point," when asked if he inhaled the pot. For what it's worth, he also feels that the War on Drugs is a colossal failure.

What about the new guy?

Donald Trump claims to have never used pot (and with that, we assume he means other illegal drugs as well). The orange one also claims to have never drank a drop of alcohol, even though he owns a vodka company


[originally published December 9, 2016]