You're too poor to waste your money, right?

When it comes to booze, people love buying things with the word "craft" in front of it. And in a slimy attempt to trick consumers, massive alcohol companies are trying as hard as they can to get in on that cash. First, a judge ruled that all beer could be labeled as "craft" and all hell broke loose. Bud Light redesigned their label so people might think they were a small, craft company

Now, the latest craze is "craft vodka" — but the problem is that's the dumbest thing in the entire world. We totally agree that a small brewer in Boulder can make way, way better beer than a monster like Coors. But when it comes to vodka, "craft" and "artisanal" just make things needlessly expensive. 

Just look at how the U.S. government legally qualifies vodka:

“Vodka” is neutral spirits so distilled, or so treated after distillation with charcoal or other materials, as to be without distinctive character, aroma, taste, or color.

So why the hell would anyone spend more money than they should on something that's supposed to taste like nothing? Hipsters, that's who. And "craft distillers" have been chipping away at the big company's production levels over the last few years. 

So who's that upstart? Yes, we're looking at you, Tito's. And your lies. 

It hit the market in 1997 when it was still a little tiny company, but by 2013 Forbes reported that it had grown into a "26-acre operation that produced 850,000 cases last year" in "massive buildings containing ten floor-to-ceiling stills and bottling 500 cases an hour."

And in good American fashion, people tried to sue the shit out of them. Like most vodka makers, the suits allege, the company simply buys neutral grain spirits in bulk from a commercial manufacturer, then distills them again at its own high-tech facilities to finish the product. The judge threw out most of the case, so people who don't know any better will still associate Tito's with the carefully crafted lie that they've built up. 

Since all vodka tastes more or less like nail polish remover (and even the best vodka in the world is trying to taste like absolutely nothing), forking over big bucks for small-batch booze just doesn't make good financial sense. 

We love supporting the little guys, but only when it matters.