I am a huge asshole, but I also know more about surviving college and getting away with shit than anyone.
Oh college, how I love you. You’re a time to party, a time to learn and a time to grow the fuck up as late as possible. You're the gray area between adulthood and adolescence where everything is a little confusing and drinking is the best coping mechanism. You're where I learned about super gonorrhea and that I can sleep with T.A.s for better grades (Bs, mostly).
However, as rowdy as college life is, you still need a guide. A patronal older figure who's been through the shit to help you through it all and make your life just a little easier.
That's where I come in. Me. Bread Foster. The shitty Rooster contributor. I just put out a book called Dude, Bro: The How To College Guide Your Parents Don’t Want You To Have, and holy fuck that’s a mouthful, but it's really the only thing you should be reading right now if you want to live through college. It's actually really well written considering I always comes off half special in my Rooster articles.
Here are some reasons why you should read it.
It's written by me, Bread Foster
Have you read my work on Rooster? It’s fucking funny. From toothy blow jobs to having sex at the Flatirons Mall, I make everyone laugh and I know this because Rooster still publishes my shit. I'm a hilariously angry and dark twenty-something who clearly feels obsolete in today’s world, and if you can't relate to that, you're un-alive.
Sorry, all the popular college books suck between 25-33 cocks. They aggrandize stories to make them entertaining and have huge plot holes. How the fuck did you remember all these stories if you were black out drunk, Mr. Max? Dude, Bro is a comprehensive story and essay collection that not only gives advice about insane behavior, but also has honest stories that are dark, gritty and real. Just like your sophomore year.
It’s just fuckin’ funny
I'm an asshole. From the book, you can tell I was a little off in college. I share stories about “allegedly” robbing apartments, pink eye, drinking myself into a coma and what can only be described as an “Ode to Catch 22” … but about an Asian professor.
It helps you get away with shit
Seriously, some of the essays I come up with shit you’d never think of to get out of situations we've all been in. If you have a set of brass balls, you’ll never get caught with some of the tactics I show you. Like, really, you’d never think of some of this shit.
I'm kind of an angry douche
Rooster likes me I think. Even though I threw pizza in Dear Ibby’s hair and stole her friend’s hat and gloves and did impressions of him for a while, I'm a tolerable human being. I'm also an angry douche in this book. From kidnapping someone for wearing cheetah print to getting in fights with drunks, I give a little bit of charm to being a douche, which is something you'll need to learn if you're gonna make it to graduation.
So buy the book here or go to a local Barnes and Noble or WalMart and pick up a copy. Then follow me on Twitter and tell me I suck @BreadFoster. Just to prove how weird I am, he wrote this entire article in the first person talking about something I wrote. But, back to the book. It’s an honest glimpse into college life that whether you’re in school or not, you can appreciate.