His continual rants about ISIS and education and gay marriage have been an elaborate conspiracy to distract the public from the real problem at hand …

Tonight is President Barack Obama’s final State of the Union address, and I really need him to admit that aliens are real once and for all.

Typically, a president’s State of the Union speech recaps the administration’s successes, hardships the country has faced during his tenure, and a motivational spiel about what we as a nation need to focus on moving forward. Also, there's a lot of clapping. It’s a stately shit show that's supposed to restore faith in our country and our leadership moving forward.

But fuck that.

Obama has been our president for close to 8 years already, and not once has he talked about the intergalactic threats facing this country. Like really Barry — you’re going to play us like that!?

Throughout his campaigns, Obama was commended for some of the most effective mottos of all time: “Hope,” "Yes We Can,” “Forward” — these mottos inspired enough people that he was elected to two consecutive terms. Impressive. I'll admit that I was one of those who voted for him. Because I've held out “hope” that he may be the president to address the imminent threat of an all out alien attack on the United States. I thought “yes we can” was a reference to our ability to defeat the alien scum flying above our puny planet. But I was deceived by his tranquil eloquence. 

Everyone knows the president is debriefed on alien life forms and the happenings at Area 51 the day he is sworn into office. Fact. But not one of them has been honest with the public. Not even Truman would admit that aliens touched down on earth following the Roswell, NM incident of 1947. We have been lied to for far too long, sheeple! 

Obama’s continual rants about ISIS and terror and education and gay marriage have been an elaborate conspiracy to distract the public from the real problem at hand – ALIENS. He even ignored the topic when water was discovered on Mars. There couldn’t have been a better time to release the information about the 30 million strong Klongblok army in the Septerplex. But Obama, our Commander in Chief, remains quiet and resolute.

So will tonight finally be the night? Will Obama tell us the truth in his last State of the Union Address? The truth, that millions of things are flying above our planet waiting to abduct us and probe our anuses?

I doubt it … I’ve lost all "hope."