Dating and break-ups suck. Sometimes, we wish we never had to date at all, and that we could just marry our cats instead, because they're the only thing in this cold, dead world that loves us unconditionally on the condition we feed them. And that's why we'd like to extend our dearest congratulations to English woman Barbarella Buchner, who has just celebrated her 10th year off marriage to Spider and Lugosi, her two pet cats.
Dating and break-ups suck. Sometimes, we wish we never had to date at all, and that we could just marry our cats instead, because they're the only thing in this cold, dead world that loves us unconditionally on the condition we feed them. So when someone makes good on that wish, it gives us hope. Hope that we might not be as as alone as we thought. Hope that we, one day, can call our parents and be all like, "Ma! Pa! We're gettin' hitched." Hope that we will be loved.
And that's why we'd like to extend our dearest congratulations to English woman Barbarella Buchner, who has just celebrated her 10th year off marriage to Spider and Lugosi, her two pet cats.
"They are two tabby brothers, Lugosi and Spider, who are now 15 years old, and they are the loves of my life," she said, radiating with the inner light of someone who doesn't have to worry about crafting clever Tinder bios so they can receive disembodied dick photography.
Si, dear readers, si. You too can be like Barbarella, who, on Jan. 9, 2004, married her two cats. She'd adopted the pair from a London animal shelter in 2000. Four years later, after a bad breakup with a human male, companion, she realized the cats were her "soul mates."
And with that, Barbarella decided to stop living in sin and make an honest woman out of herself. She ordered a marriage certificate from a website that facilitates interspecies nuptials to make the thing official. The website is fake, obviously, but the love its customers feel is realer than the fact this entire time, you could have been dating cats and now it feels like 10 years of your life have been wasted.
Barbarella didn't exactly propose two the two little gentlemen, but she did warn them. "I did tell Lugosi and Spider before marrying them, that I was going to do it. Bribed with a tin of tuna, they didn't object," said she. How could anyone ever object to a lifetime of never having to decide on the night's Netflix selection? It's all so magical.
Today, Barbarella lives in a tiny Spanish island with her polygamist cat husbands, but there's yet another feline in the mix as well, a female named Ruby Akasha. But since Barbarella is as straight as an arrow, Ruby is not her wife. That would just be plain kinky.
When asked in an interview whether she considers feline marriage to be similar to homo sapien marriage, she said, "I can't really say from experience since I have never been married to a human, even though I lived with one for seven years. But I'm sure its not the same at all. First of all, the marriage to my cats is for fun only and not legal or recognized in any country in the world. And secondly, something which is rather obvious, they are cats, and hence, for example, they won't engage me in philosophical conversations, or help me with the shopping, clean their own toilet or go to work."
That is unacceptable. But we guess every relationship has its flaws.
"They are my animal companions and not my boyfriends," she continued, a shining beacon of modern progressive relationships. "What most people cannot understand though is that the love I feel for them can be, and is, just as deep as what one can feel for another human."
And when asked whether there was a sexual component to the matrimony, she was all, "No! Even entertaining such a thought is just too disgusting!"
Here's a video of them not having sex.
But although she's not throwing down in the bedroom (thank fucking gawd of gawds), she is a doting and devoted wife. "Anybody who has a cat knows that there is no such thing as a “cat owner!" she said. "When you share your life with a cat, it's you that's being owned and you are the one that will serve the cat and cater to its every whim."
But, as is for most married couples, in-laws can be a problem. Her family "already thinks she is mad," and "marrying my cats just proved that point to them."
However, there's real inspiration and hope in Barbarella's story. She's a functioning member of society, has a good job, has a mortgage, has real-life friendships, and who goes out and does everyday things like shopping, taking walks on the beach, going to bars and restaurants, and doing photography. All that this boils down to is that you too can lead a normal life by removing yourself from the human dating pool.
"I certainly am not the stereotypical cat lady, whose house stinks of cat pee, who hoards 20 or more cats, whose hair is disheveled, who wears tatty clothes and has problems relating to people in real life and reality as a whole," she said.
Barbarella is even 100% faithful to her hairy husbands, she doesn't have romantic or sexual relationships outside her marriage, as to preserve the sanctity of the ancient institution.
Top 5 Benefits of Marrying Cats
1. They can't talk, so they can't tell you you're a failure, only imply it by vomiting hair balls into your shoes.
2. You never have to ask them where they want to go to dinner.
3. They can't cheat or lie or break your heart because they're cats, fucking cats.
4. Now you can get like 14 more cats, because you've already started the unstoppable downward spiral of Cat Ladydom.
5. If you ever disappear, people will know what happened to you.
So, there you have it folks. If you're fed up with the petty games and heartbreak of human dating game; just don't do that to yourself. Stop by your local pet depot and find yourself a future husband, or wife, or combination of the two. Before you know it, you'll be getting "Get Well Soon" cards in the mail and your parents will finally stop talking to you. It's the answer to all your prayers.