Jared Fogle is prom king. He’s the all-star quarterback. He’s Johnny Depp in Cry Baby with a leather jacket and a motorcycle. He's submarine Jesus, and all his minions must bow down to his superior air of post-obese relatability. He is everything to everyone.

That's because thanks to Jared, Subway has the most effective advertising of all chain restaurants. People just love Jared.

Jared’s status as a revenue-generating national treasure was uncovered by Ad Age, who recently did a study about which chain restaurant had the most effective advertising. Subway took the cake, scoring highest on criteria like "relateability," "memorable advertising," and "advertising that makes me hungry."  You know, Subway, that place you go to get mayonnaise-smeared white bread topped with jelly-meat and foam-lettuce. The place you got e-coli? Yeah them. You probably went there because of Jared.

Apparently, Subway’s success is entirely due to Jared  and his “every-man” vibe. Because, bloated, Dorito-munching Americans whose butt imprint is permanently molded into their Lazy Boy recliners see Jared as an extension of themselves. They see his his weight struggle and heavily-staged Subway-mediated weight loss, and they think, “Eating fast food to lose weight…Now that’s something I can do.” God, he's such a genuis.

“The length and authenticity of Jared's endorsement as a real person who, despite his struggles, has maintained a healthy lifestyle by eating Subway most likely resonates with consumers on 'has memorable advertising' and 'Advertising I can relate to, said the study.” That’s why Americans prefer real life Jared with real life struggles to a fictionalized burger-slanging burger clown or king.

Americans have such a hard-on for Jared, that Subway's in-store sales fell 10% after his contract expired in 2005 and his ads were no longer airing. Who were they supposed to look to to persuade them to fast food? A lobster from Red Lobster who subtly begs you to ensure its destruction by inviting you to feast off its flesh? Please.

Here is he is in a Subway spot, acting like a little Pied Piper, leading all the nice people to a Subway for a plasticized five dollar foot-long with only 6 grams of fat or less! You can really see why he's America's favorite person.