Colorado is known for its outdoor activities due to having some of the world’s best hiking and skiing terrain. And because of that, it’s very easy to live here and feel the pressure that you always need to be doing something outside. At times it feels like however you just spent your day, may it be a 3-mile hike, a couple laps down a green at Eldora, or standup paddleboarding on a reservoir, that you should’ve done something MORE in nature. Or God forbid you enjoyed a slow morning on the weekend (gasps) while everyone’s stuck in traffic on I-70.

So I’m going to be brave here. I’m going to stand up and say, hey, it’s okay to live here in Colorado and not give a single shit about being outdoorsy. Or, similarly, you can just ‘like’ an activity and not make it your whole personality too. You can do something occasionally and not every single weekend.

Now please read along as I make fun of all the stereotypical Colorado activities. Hopefully, I offend someone so much that they spit out their kombucha.



Back in Ohio, where I grew up, I could walk countless flights of stairs with no problems whatsoever (not to brag). But out here in Denver I get winded walking up two flights. And now you want me to hike? You want me to walk up a hill, neigh, a goddamn mountain, for miles on end, to get to a higher elevation, when I’m already at a high elevation? What a stupid idea. You know where you can also see trees and nature? On flat land. You know where you can also see animals? At the zoo.


Trail Running

Oh you mean what Kate Bush sang about in ‘Running Up That Hill’? No thanks. If you see me on a trail and I’m running, start running too, because it’s not for leisure, it’s because a wild animal is chasing me.  


Skiing / Snowboarding

I love when I get the first ‘duuude got some fresh powder this weekend’ text of the year. I, of course, don’t know if they’re talking about snow or coke, but one question mark and snowboarding emoji later things are thankfully straightened out.

Skiing is such a wild hobby. You spend $1000 on a pass, $1000 on equipment, $18 on a sandwich, $14 on a beer, and sit in traffic for 4 hours a day, just to ride down a hill. To say it’s an expensive activity is an understatement. I love skiing, but I also am looking forward to the day that global warming takes over… in 3 years. I’ll have so much time back on my weekends and so much more money back in my wallet.

Mountain Biking

“Mountain biking is the best dude. So, you’re riding up a steep hill, and you feel like you’re dying, then you’re riding down a steep hill, and you feel like you could die at any moment.” – an actual quote someone told me of why I should try mountain biking. No thank you…


I’ve been climbing a few times. It’s a fine enough activity, but I’m not going to hump a bumpy wall thinking about it. When I have gone, the only feedback I’ve gotten is ‘well it’s easy for you because you’re tall’, which I have to say is quite an advantage. I’ve also been told the same thing when I’ve gotten that elusive can of SpaghettiOs off the top shelf.

I’ve been bullied by a climber before, he was making fun of the size of my forearms, saying mine are small compared to his because he climbs all the time. I also think his are bigger because he’s likely cranking it 3 times a day to the thought of how cool he looks climbing an 11B wall.

And just a lil PSA to put out, if you ever see me buying a rope, I can assure you it’s not to go climbing, it’s to hang myself. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure I do it outside so I can truly be one with nature ~namaste~.

So there it is folks. While this list is all in good fun, and I do like most of these activities, I am completely serious about trail running and mountain biking and never plan on trying them.

And for those of you who don’t love outdoors, that’s completely fine too, although I personally would find it insufferable to be around a bunch of people who look like they just robbed an REI and constantly talk about the latest stickers they’re about to put on their Nalgene bottles if I hated being outside. 

I may have missed an activity or two, but if you find me on Instagram @ellisnd, and let me know your hobby, I’ll gladly make fun of it, and you. Also, check out the Rooster shop, where we’ve put out plenty ‘Colorado Douchebag’ t-shirts for those true outdoors enthusiasts out there. See ya on I-70.