Yeah, yeah, we know.

Brangelina got divorced.

What did you expect?

Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. What could possibly make their marriage any different?

Oh, right. That they're the best looking (ex)couple in the world.

Take one look at their achingly beautiful face-bodies, and it just makes sense that they were together — like the quarterback and the head cheerleader chick in high school.

You really felt it when you saw that Mr. and Mrs. Smith movie, didn't you? You saw them together, and you thought: "These are the two most perfectly formed human specimens in the world. Why haven't I noticed this before? Look at them. They should be fucking! Or, at least married." There was just something about them that felt, we don't know … right.

You felt really satisfied when they listened to your inner cries for unison and tied the knot. Even more so when they started pumping out small, genetically outstanding children.

But you neglected to consider, that, in their collagen-rich matrimony, they lived the grueling life of a Hollywood couple.

Think they ever got to see each other? Nope. Think they were both constantly surrounded by other rich, good-looking people? They were. Think they were, at times, too inflated by vanity and their own celebrity to focus on each other? Uh-huh. Think the pressures of fame and the extreme vapidity of the film industry ever got to them and they questioned whether they were together because loved each other, or purely because they are the two best-looking people ever created? Pretty sure that came up once or twice.

No wonder the divorce rate in Hollywood is much higher.

Add to that shitstorm the little fact that they have 700 adopted and natural-born children together.

You try finding time for your marriage amidst 700 children and an A-list celebrity lifestyle that requires every ounce of energy and attention. Under those conditions, divorce almost seems merciful.

… For them. For you, you feel vicarious heartbreak. You're sad and pissed now that the yin has separated from the yang because the yin has a promising career in many Coen Brothers movies but he cannot pursue it because of said 700 children and the yang is unhappy because no amount of child-acquisition can cover up the struggle that is Hollywood's insane beauty standards and preference for talent under the age of 25.

You didn't get pissed when Kris and Caitlyn Jenner got divorced. You didn't flood the internet with memes when Heather Mills and Paul McCartney, an arguably much more famous and talented man than Brad Pitt, signed the papers. You barely batted an eyelash when Sean Penn and Robin Wainwright, Liza Minelli and David Gest, or Gwenyth Paltrow and the Coldplay dude broke up. Yeah, the tabloids covered these splits for two seconds but none of them received the outpouring of memes or media coverage that Brangelina's has.


Because none of these couples were as good looking as Brad and Angelina.


Society's level of caring about something is directly, and disgustingly, proportional to how good looking the people involved in that something are. Look no further than the murder of Jon Benet Ramsay or the abduction of Elizabeth Smart for evidence of that. Both of those things were unspeakable tragedies, but they were hardly isolated events. Thousands of children are killed and taken every year, but they don't receive a shred of the media attention these two did. Not because their cases are much different, but because they have melanin in their skin. They're dark-haired. They weren't in any beauty pageants to speak of. 

If you're not the sort of cherubic Aryan model child society tells us to value, good luck seeing your murder or kidnap case on the front pages of magazines and newspapers 20 years later.

And if you're a only mildly, kind-of drop-dead gorgeous member of the A-list Club, good luck having the Internet react to your breakup the way they reacted to Brad and Angelina's.

We simply value public figures for their looks more than who they are, and it's that exact, half-sickening/half-addictive mentality that explains why couples in Hollywood change partners every time the wind blows in a different direction. It's understandable as hell, given that their sense of identity is based on the individual perceptions of millions of their fans and haters alike, giving them zero room to be themselves.

So, what's to be done?

We've got a solution for you. Marry ugly, Hollywood people.

Take a hint from Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. Catherine is the world's most beautiful woman who isn't Angelina Jolie, and Michael is … Michael Douglas. They've been happily married for 16 years. That seems to work for them.

That, or stop giving a shit about other people's distant relationships. Every relationship will end unless someone dies, so give Brangelina (or Brad and Angelina, as they're now called) a break for now and focus on something that matters like whether dogs dream or telling your mom you love her but you need $400.