You like being within the law. You're a good kid, who follows rules. Even if something is rumored to be illegal, you avoid it like you do Kohl's for anything fashionable. It's an honest way to live. 

But you've been lied to. Not everyone is a legal expert, most of them just recite what they've heard before — thus perpetuating the loss of fun experiences for you. Because had you known all of this stuff was perfectly okay, we think you'd have done life differently.


While there are federal laws against it, they're usually only called upon when the bill (or coin, we suppose, but who uses those?) is altered in a matter to defraud someone or something — like turning a $1 bill into a straight hundo. You also can't destroy money with intent of rendering it useless, like say, burning piles of it because you're humble-bragging on Instagram. But drawing that Dollar Bill Murray on the front? Ain't no judge got time for that.


Your parents are liars. In all 50 great states in this beautiful union, it's perfectly acceptable to drive shoeless. In fact, according to, no state has any footwear requirements for driving, except Alabama, which mandates shoes while driving a motorcycle. Because, it's Alabama … they need rules to tell people those things.


At their core, guns are pretty simple devices. Hell, all you need is a pin and a hammer to set off a proper bullet. But while building your own gun is legal, producing it with the intent of selling it or distributing it is a huge no-no. We would suggest, however, to never, ever fucking do this. You can't even flip a pancake right; so your shotty craftsmanship will probably explode and cause serious damage.


If you're caught 'cheating' in Las Vegas, they're going to kick your ass out. But counting cards, so long as there's no external device or person helping you do so, isn't technically an infraction. 


#FreeTheNipple is a popular campaign that asks the ladies of America to set those things free. Except, there aren't many places in the nation where it's actually illegal. In Colorado, Denver and Boulder are perfectly fine with it — and Fort Collins might not be far behind


Lay a finger on any of our kids and it's going to be the last time you own that finger — but there wouldn't be anything illegal about them doing so. There are currently 19 states that allow teachers to spank children, Colorado being one of them. But weigh those odds first … spanking vs. owning a stubby hand? Your choice teach.


You know how you always make fun of southern states and their penchant to keep it all in the family? Well, we're not so different after all. Almost half of the country allows people to marry their first cousins. Yet, it's a criminal offense in Oklahoma … so that's bizarre.


So long as mom or dad knows, and the person throwing the shindig is a responsible adult, it's whatever to give minors booze. The sketchy illegal areas parents have run into in the past is when everyone is downing too much, without parental consent. But if it's your kid, go for it. Some states don't care so long as it's for medical, religious or educational purposes. Wonder when that'll happen with weed …


You hit it, you eat it! More and more states are allowing the salvaging of roadkill to be used for food if the animal was hit on accident. As per Some states "allow roadkill collection if you get a donation certificate or Division of Wildlife tag first." If you know how to dress it on the spot and properly store it before it goes bad, it's really not as bad as you think.


Speaking of, if your friend asks you to try some of him and you haven't blatantly murdered or are desecrating his corpse — it's legal. There's no law anywhere in the U.S. that states anything about the legalities of cannibalism, just the ways you go about doing it. Want to be real blood-bros with your bestie? Try his thigh.

[originally published December 12, 2016]