Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.
Image cred: Laura June Kirsch
Dec 22 – Jan 19
Of all the signs in the zodiac, you are probably the least emotive. Your rational mind and practicality make it impossible for others to know how you feel. But, as the moon moves from ultra-secretive Scorpio to brutally honest Sagittarius throughout the month, you’ll progressively become more and more vocal about your desire to feel the warm splash of midget urine on your collarbone during a moonless night. Thanks for sharing?
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Being as independent and “I DON’T NEED NO MAN” as you are, you have no problem getting accustomed to long periods of solitude. Just remember that threesomes are a team sport, and the longer you sit alone on the corner of the bed staring off into space, the more people will assume you don’t want to be spit-roasted. Thing is, you do. Get in the game: there’s no “I” in “NSA Craigslist encounter.” Well, there is, but it’s not for you.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
Sometimes you have a hard time dating because you’re enamored by whatever’s immediately in front of you. This means you give off the impression you’re afraid of commitment to others, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re a commitment fetishist, but your sexual ADHD is too voracious to go un-talked about. That’s why this month, seek out a sign that’s capable of giving you the independence you need; a Leo, Sagittarius or a nice Scorpio would be dandy.
Mar 21 – Apr 19
Holy fucking shit, you’re rowdy in bed. Your adventurous spirit means you’re down to try pretty much everything, but this month you’ll be confronted with the crushing realization that you have actually tried everything. Retreat from your fuckboy duties for a bit and do some research on new types of sex you’ve never experienced. If you don’t take the time to re-acquaint yourself with what’s out there, you’ll get bored and we’ll have to deal with your gross bitching.
Apr 20 – May 20
This December, your sensual side is practically bursting forth from your sternum like the alien in Alien. You have an uncontrollable need to know people sexually, and therefore, you might find yourself in one of those delicate situations where you develop feelings for your friends. But before you start exchanging your BFF necklaces for watermelon-appletini condoms, know that your feelings are temporary and total bullshit.
May 21 – Jun 20
Because you’re so easygoing, adaptable and not-anal about rules, you’re the prime specimen for experimentation with non-traditional relationships. And this month, with Mars in your fourth house, the stars are making it way too easy to explore that part of yourself. You might find yourself suddenly interested in bisexuality, or have a random realization that you’d love to try polyamory. Nothing vanilla will fly for you, so enjoy the freakhood while it lasts.
Jun 21 – Jul 22
Just because loyalty is one of your best qualities doesn’t mean you can’t be a raging, professional slut when the mood strikes. And guess what? The mood has struck. This month, you might be confused by your uncharacteristic urges towards hoe-hood, but calm down child, this sexual rumspringa will only help you when you return to monogamish tendencies; you’ll have the skill set of a thousand Magic Johnsons (but without the AIDS).
Jul 23 – Aug 22
Jupiter moves into your eleventh house this December, which has the effect of making you fail in love, but kill it at friendship. Almost no one you meet this month wants to fuck you, but a large portion of them want to hang around you platonically. This’ll be great career-wise, because it fosters genuine connections between the people you depend on for cash money, but when it comes to romance … bye, Felicia.
Aug 23 – Sept 22
You’re a born-skeptic who doesn’t believe in shit until you’re presented with some sort of empirical evidence. This is why you constantly can’t tell someone’s into you unless they walk straight up to you and demonstrate their genitalia to you at face level. This month, try to rely on your gut and intuition more; not everyone wants to throw themselves at you — although we all know you’d like that, you prissy poophead.
Sept 23 – Oct 22
Because you’re so terminally chill and complacent, you suck at saying “no.” That’s precisely why you’re on a date with someone who collects centipede exoskeletons right now. This month, the stars will challenge that side of you by throwing all sorts of undesirable human beings your way, and if you don’t learn to make up some excuse about “being busy” or “moving to rural Albania,” or “feasting ritualistically on human blood when aroused,” you’ll have to date them. Stop that.
Oct 23 – Nov 21
As you’ll discover this month, running from your problems doesn’t make them go away. Oftentimes, your problem has a car with a 200-horsepower engine to chase you down with. Plus, half of their clothes are at your house, so they’re really motivated to get in touch with you. Ghosting doesn’t solve anything for anyone, so stop disappearing Criss Angel–style and break up with whoever you’re fucking like a real man/woman, not a TV magician.
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Thank god you’re funny, because this month, you’re about as smooth as a sandpaper-covered cactus who sucks in bed. You’re clumsy as fuck when it comes to seduction and sex, but your optimism remains intact throughout. When it comes to fucking and relationships, look for other signs that can laugh with, not at you, like Capricorn, Gemini or Leo. Give in to your weirdness this month, hahahahahahahahahaha.