Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

It’s V-Day this month!  However, given the current astral configuration, that “V” stands for venereal. Ooh: itchy. Given this health-based influence, take a look under the hood and make sure your body’s in ship-shape for steamy, salacious sexual situations. Are you taking your birth control? How’s that dental dam tasting? Safety first, or it’s STD/baby/anal hemorrhoid time.

How much butt would a lawyer fuck if a lawyer could fuck butt? That’s the question you’ll be asking yourself after you find yourself mixed up in some nefarious, criminal activity this month. Of course, you’ll owe some karmic retribution — but since you’re terrible with money, the stars will persuade you to use a different kind of currency (sex or maybe even butt sex) to get out of this pickle. Embrace the mystery.

You’re such a people person, man. So much so that the stars are asking you this month to withdraw within yourself and explore your own subconscious drives and wishes instead of other people’s. What you find may involve a lot of wet towel play and erotic lactation, but these are the kinds of things that’ll come in handy when they interrogate you under hypnosis in 2025.

The best quality about you is your ability to detach emotionally from certain situations, which will be wildly beneficial for you in February when someone tries their gosh-darn-darndest to break your heart. Too bad you’ve built an impenetrable wall around you that’s only brought down by sensual massage and poppers. The jalapeño kind, not the inhalable alkyl nitrate kind. Muy bueno.

For you, February is all about dualities. Whether that means hot tub sex with twins like in that Bud Light commercial or simply switching your masturbating hand for the first time in years, you’ll be balancing opposite forces for the next few weeks. Make the best of this influence by considering what you want vs. what others want, then go with whichever one involves more boobs.

You’re just chugging along in your happy relationship like the conductor of the train to Pleasure Town, something the zodiac will foster for many months to come. Congratulations! We can’t wait to not get invited to your wedding. However, in times of overwhelming ease, make sure you have an emergency plan for when something goes terribly, horribly wrong between you. Like excessive gas or something.

You’re a textbook example of one of those people that is mostly calm, but explodes in a seething rage every now and then. But what if instead of exploding into rage this time, you exploded on the chest of a foot model? This month, the stars are pushing you to find adaptive outlets for your anger, which is basically them just telling you to get into BDSM or die trying.

If you’re single this month, good work. You’ve got nothing going on astrologically other than a very strong influence toward experimentation. So go ahead, call up that social worker you thought was hot when you were 10 and finger them under the table at Denny’s. If you’re hitched, don’t worry. We’re sure the new season of The Mindy Project will be really fulfilling.

Your favorite thing is to pretend like you have the world figured out, which is also why you, more than other signs, tend to fall for a “type.” You think you that the perfect fuck pony-boy lined out, but that’s dumb. You don’t know shit — you’re like 23. Here’s a novel idea: Go outside your comfort zone and gargle the genitalia of someone you never thought you’d go for. Trust us, you’ll moderately tolerate it.

Your favorite thing in the world is metaphysical, abstract shit that people paint on tapestries, which really goes hand-in-hand with studies of non-conventional sexuality. This month, cater to your inner freak and look into the Kama Sutra or that Japanese thingy where everyone is fucking each other on papyrus scrolls. Spiritualizing sex will make you smile genitally.

If your dry spell were a desert, it would be the Pacific Ocean. What we’re trying to say is that your dry spell is about to become a … wet spell? Is that what they’re called? Anyway, it’s great that you’re an anally-organized person, because keeping track of the names of the people you’re fucking is going to be key to your sexual referral business. Keep it up.

We know you got that email that said your crush would fall in love with you at exactly 12 p.m. if you forwarded it to 20 of your closest friends. That’s irrelevant for your horoscope, but we wanted to let you know that if you don’t forward it, a New Guinean child will also die. Oh, and you’ll find the love of your life this month. Too bad it’ll be a pizza.