Hooking up: It's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Jan 20-Feb 18
The effect of the current astral configuration makes you very antsy to get outdoors and enjoy the good weather. This could lead to some highly entertaining romantic encounters … provided the space you choose to express your love and desire is at least 40 yards away from children or bus stops. We talked about this.

Feb 19-Mar 20
After last month’s romantic defeats, you’re feeling pretty down. But that’ll all change when a totally fuckable stranger enters your life … the only problem with this is that they’re Grammy award–winning vocalist Celine Dion. At first you’ll think “Oh, she’s rich. I could do this,” but that was before you found out she uses the letters in her vegetable soup to spell out “Help me.”

Mar 21-Apr 19
This month, you crave a softer, more sensual touch than you’ve been receiving thanks to an increased amount of astral expression in your emotional houses. Sex will seem trite if there’s not meaning and Enya behind it, so seek out partners that know how to utilize restraint, take their time, and are familiar with the concept of not premature ejaculating upon the bra-unclasp.

Apr 20-May 20
This July, Mars is in Taurus, which really heightens the masculine aspects of your personality. You might notice a sudden urge to sprout forth hair from your lower face, to wrestle for bloodsport and, most importantly, chase babes. Whether you’re male or female isn’t important, but one thing we can tell you for sure is that you’ll feel sort of like a pubescent boy named Zakk (the first k is silent).

May 21-June 20
Things have been going so well for you that there are rumors going around the rest of the zodiac that you slept your way into this good fortune. Who’d you have to blow to get here? The sun? How many expensive dinners have you consumed in the fifth house while Neptune slinked his heeled foot up your pant leg? In any case, enjoy this period of romance and lust … bitch.

June 21-July 22
You are really in love this month … all your planets are conspiring to make you feel emotionally open and receptive to other’s needs and feelings. Whether the object for your affection reciprocates it or not is irrelevant, because there is nothing — not even a million hot pizzas — that could change the way you feel about this person. You really pizza them. You pizza them on bended knee. Full-gluten pizza. Straight up.

July23-Aug 22
Either the person you’re dating right now is a substitute for the person you really want to be with, or you’re so scared of being alone that you’ll settle for whoever will tolerate your shitty dick jokes. That’s because your normal source of confidence — the sun — is in Cancer, which makes you feel insecure … Oh wait, did you think there was more after that?

Aug 23-Sept 22
Although you’re independent and highly creative, you crave stability. You wanna get married. You want to churn out little fat-ass babies. You want to have a whole wedding day dedicated to you and how well you’re following your mom’s life plan for you. Well … you can have that. Just make sure you’re not settling with someone because they’re down to have 12 of your mongoloid children right this second.

Sept 23-Oct 22
Uranus is in you at the end of the month! Well, not your anus. Although technically your anus is in you. Well, it’s also on the outside. Huh. But no, this is different. Uranus is in Libra, which means you’ll be particularly reliant on technology to facilitate your sex life this month. So fire up that power-tool dildo and Christian Mingle account, because things are about to get sext-y.

Oct 23-Nov 21
Your inherent tendency towards jealousy might trip you up this month when you have the opportunity to get into some freaky-ass, new-age group love shit. Don’t pass it up because you’re worried you won’t be the center of attention. You’ll regret your petty actions later on down the line when you’re a 79-year-old with super hard nipples. Nipples that could cut diamonds.

Nov 22-Dec 21
As one of the more adventurous signs, it’s probably quite easy for you to dream up new fantasies to fulfill. You have a high degree of erotic innovation, but this month, you take it way too far when you tell your partner you want to “Quit the sex show and live a normal life.” Ha! How funny you can be! Normalcy isn’t your thing. You’re a Slut for Life, get it tattooed, or don’t.

Dec 22-Jan 19
If you’ve been feeling like there’s been obstacles in your way for the last few weeks, that’s just because Mercury was in retrograde. But now that it’s not, you have no excuses, no facade to hide behind. It’s time for you to experience true love and deep pleasure … You’re getting a motherfucking lizard, and it’s going to live in a cage and show you how to love. Dingleberry.