Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


As an Earth sign, you’re particularly attracted to the physical side of people, and by that, we mean you’re shallow. But that’s fine, because your thirst for exquisite corporal wonderment will be met this month provided you can get your busy ass to the gym or whatever fitness outlet you usually haunt. Now more than ever, you’re likely to meet someone who shares your appreciation of hot glutes, which should make for some fairly athletic sex. Hole in … one?


Despite your daydreamy nature, you’re actually very loyal in relationships … but that doesn’t mean you can’t fantasize about extra-relational sex. This month, the stars are blessing you with an unusual amount of sexual creativity, so if your partner can’t keep up or truly has no idea what you mean by “astral plane cream pie,” then don’t be afraid to use your legendary imagination to make you fantasies real. (Masturbate.)


We know you’ll cringe at reading this, but thanks to Cancer’s residence in your 9th house, you’re about to enter into a very stable domestic period. This sounds insane as you’ve just banged like 311 people, but admit it, you secretly love the comfort and predictability of a relationship. The best news about this? All the super-connected, intimate early-relationship boning that’s in store for you. Just don’t forget you have friends and family and for some reason, a pet lizard, too.


Mercury in retrograde has not been kind to you. Being a fire sign who thrives off of energetic interaction, you may have found your romantic efforts dampened by Mercury’s moist influence. Notice you were stumbling over your words? Fuckin’ Mercury right there. But, that’s all over and done with now, so prepare to resume your regular vibrance … and if you can’t get it back, don’t be afraid to buy it online.


While you’re not exactly lacking in sexual experience right now Taurus, you are lacking in diversity. So this month, instead of trying the same old moves and people you know will get you off, experiment with something new. A great way to do this for you would be to discover a new erogenous zone on your body. It’s surprising how erotic ears, feet, tongues and upper right scapulas can be when they’ve never been touched like that …


You’ve been feeling a little dark and moody lately. That’s because pissy-ass Mars has been square near Pluto, but you don’t have to let this gloomy period go by unsexualized. Use this influence to explore some of the darker facets of your sexuality. Ever been interested in control or pain play? What about role play that helps you work through some of your frustrations? Knowing you, it’s probably some crazy evil clown fantasy shit, but hey, to each their own.


You are the most loving person in the zodiac, which makes you a perfect candidate for understanding the concept of “compersion,” — deriving pleasure from seeing your partner enjoy themselves. This month, that quality is primed for kinkier territory, and you might find yourself having sudden fantasies of cuckolding, group sex or alternative relationships in which you can view your partner experiencing pleasure objectively. So do something about it. Fucking hot.


When it comes to sex, you have more intensity in your little finger than the sun. You’re confident, direct and unblinking about what you want, but this month you adopt a softer, more sensual attitude towards romance as your moon enters your seventh house. This may surprise your partners who are used to your dominant nature, but there’s a good chance you could also surprise yourself with how disgustingly tender you are.


Your relationships with older people may be particularly strong this month. Pay attention to what they have to say; they have a lot to teach you in the realms of love and sex. And if you can finagle a relationship that takes things a little farther than teacher/student, now is the best time as you’re particularly attuned to both learning and giving. Mommy and daddy issues have never been more named MILF Mary or DILF Dan.


Jupiter conjunct Venus is giving you a pretty hard time this month. Regardless of where you are in relationship land, it’s likely you’ll have to make a choice between two equal options. This is the worst thing in the world for you since you hate conflict and disappointing people, but if you can’t decide, have someone else decide for you. Literally flip a coin, or have your friends chose. That, way, nothing is ever your fault, LOL!


There is so much astral influence suggesting travel in your sign this June that your potential for thrilling vacation sex is off the charts. Even if you don’t end up going anywhere, you might find yourself in new situations with new people, and the novelty of it is going to make you randy as all hell. But, the vacation-y aspect of it also means fleeting connections and one-night stands, so brace yourself for total butt overload.


If you’re having problems in the bedroom this month, it’s because the stars are doing everything they can to pull you outside the bedroom and into career world. You might find yourself less interested in sex, or way too interested, or just way too busy …  but that doesn’t mean your partner can’t put a remote control vibrator in your pants and control it while you slay your Powerpoint presentation. Multitask, dude.