Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Know what you’re really good at? Breathing and farting. Know what you need to work on? Trying new things. You’re hellbent on the straight and narrow, and you’re so comfortable with routine that you forget that experimenting and going outside of your comfort zone is the only way you’ll ever learn anything. Do poppers by yourself and explore the fleshy wonderland of your own anus, okay?

You’ve been under so much stress lately that you’ve forgotten that you’re, like, so fucking kinky. You’re great at suppressing that part of yourself because you like to feel “normal,” but every now and then, go fucking wild. This month, the sun is in Mars, which in idiot speak means now is a great time to unleash your deepest fantasies upon your partner. We promise they’ll be receptive, even if they’re not comfortable with that much grape jelly.

Have you ever tried polyamory? Being one of the more adventurous and independent signs, you’ve probably considered it. Well, guess what? Now is a fucking awful month to try it! Ha ha — you almost got excited. Too bad everything heavenly is simultaneously conspiring against your sluthood right now. But it’s not that May is monogamy or masturbation month; you can just afford to be picky at the moment.

It’s in your nature to be protective of others who need you, so be careful this month not to confuse feelings of empathy with feelings of love. Of course, by that we mean you have to stop hitting on people with crutches. The hospital is no place to meet your future pre-nup co-signee; we don’t care how attractive the amputees are. This month, your natural mom-instinct is in full force, so try to control yourself around blind old ladies ‘n’ shit.

The stars this month indicate that you’re torn between two things. Don’t look at us; we don’t know — but whatever it is you can’t decide between, it’s probably hard to find middle ground right now. For example, you could get the fur-lined handcuffs … but then how would you use your Pope-shaped dildo? When it comes to your decision, pick one of either extremes because things get fucking unwieldy when you try to do them both at once.

You’re prone to answering the question “Sup?” with a 35-page analytical review of your day, but sometimes, words can be more impactful when there are less of them. This month, when it comes to seduction, keep that in mind and use your actions or the bare minimum of your linguistic capabilities to show someone you’re interested. Everyone fucking hates reading anyway — that’s why we have this magazine.

You’re kind of addicted to adrenaline and new experiences, which is why it’s usually easy for you to fall in love. Unfortunately, it’s also hard for you to fall out of it, which is why you feel a sort of ownership over your past partners. This month, realize that unless you’re currently cutting a hole in a grapefruit as a fellatio accessory for someone, they’re not yours. Thankfully, the stars are in a good position to reduce your “Clinger Level” from 5 to 4.

Oh, man. This is not a good month for you. Between the pervasive, neverending heartbreak and the fact that the Jimmy John’s guy knows your order by heart and is currently coming over with sandwiches, you’re kind of at rock bottom right now. But that’s a good thing, because the only place to go from here is up. Up, up, and on to a fancier sandwich, like a toasty Quizno’s sub with all natural ingredients, zesty sauces and a little less sadness.

After cubic eons of vast loneliness, the stars finally have something in store for you this May. It’s … are you ready for this? … More loneliness! It’s a bouncing newborn baby of despair! All month long, people will flit in and out of your life, and that’ll keep happening until you get your priorities straight. What are you looking for in a long-term fuck cushion? Use this month to figure it out — because until you do, it’s just you and your tennis elbow.

If you get the sneaking suspicion that the person you love doesn’t quite feel the same way about you, it’s only because the stars are aligned to fill your nubile little body with an unhealthy dose of self-doubt. Speaking of that, now is the time to work on your body and mind so you feel like you’re deserving of whatever fat fuck you call your significant other. Maybe read a book or teach yourself a new skill. It’ll pay off in the coming months … we “swear.”

This May, the current astral alignment suggests that the month will be full of tender moments and touching Hallmark-like instances of emotional depth. Hey Scorpio, fuck you! While everyone else is toiling away, you’re melting into the well-defined arms of someone who truly loves you … Disgusting. It’s just vile. Make sure not to take this time for granted, because you really could be with your soulmate right now. Suck it, asshole.

If blowing up over past issues that have no bearing on the present situation was an Olympic sport, you’d have like forty gold medals. You tend to hold on to things for a very long time, which is funny, because that also applies to sexual stamina. But while your legendary endurance is interesting to the scientific community, make sure that the person you’re with is okay with going all day and all night. Some people have to walk in the morning.