Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


You really get off on self-sabotage. You love writing off potential partners who don’t match your ideal of romantic perfection, and this month is no different. All September, near-perfect people will be throwing themselves at you, but this snooty part of yourself will keep getting in the way unless you learn to recognize that nobody, not even people who meet your insane standards, is perfect. Loosen up if you want to lube up, or die alone. Whatever.


Congratulations, Aquarius! You just suffered your first major heartbreak. Thankfully for you, your unbreakable optimism and forward-looking nature greatly absorbs the impact of this, and you’re full-on set on a newfound relationship with yourself. Fuck, you’re even happy about it, you sick freak. So, since you’re so stoked to be single now, take this time to experiment with new modes of masturbation. Gotta keep things spicy even when you’re fucking yourself, you know?


You’re on a roll right now. Anyone who you’ve been wanting to fuck for a long time magically ends up in your bed, and you’re having so much success that we wouldn’t be surprised if the next person you boned was Barack Obama. The only downside of this reign of sexual glory? No one’s really sticking around. You can catch ‘em all, but you can’t keep ‘em. Maybe you’re a bad kisser? Self-examine the ways in which you suck and improve — the odds are in your favor.


Everyone gets insecure and body shy now and then, but those issues can be particularly problematic for you, seeing as how you’re the “athlete of the zodiac” or whatever they call you. This month, you might feel a little more inhibited sexually because you’ve either let yourself go or because you’re holding yourself to unfair standards, but remember: no one cares. People only think of themselves. If your muffin top touches their chin, so what?


Saturn is in your fourth house this month, which has the effect of making your house feel like a prison, and not in the sexy sense. You just do not want to fuck at home, and instead are craving sex that’s as far away from it as possible. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself fantasizing about, yep, you guessed it — alien sex. We know, it sounds weird, but we can’t be the only fuckable life in this universe. For your own genital blood flow, consider what else is out there.


The boredom and monotony you’re experiencing in your current relationship is making other prospects seem real nuble and virile, but instead of seeing that issue as a black-or-white thing, why not choose your own adventure here? You’re a diabolical expert at talking and persuasion; see if you can’t convince your current to let you experiment with your future. At the very least, it’ll be an interesting conversation that breaks the quiet dinner and Stranger Things routine. 


Clumsiness and obliviousness are two of your more negative traits that’ll play into your sex life this month when you get so excited about a new partner or sexual discovery that you leave evidence of it all around your house/office/ Stoners Anonymous meeting. There’s porn strewn everywhere, dick pics pop up on your phone with terrible timing, and you definitely kiss and tell. Slow down for like fourteen seconds — people can hear your Truly Tan Hogans XI DVD.


Your deep and undying love for showboating often means you tell a lot of little white lies in order to puff yourself up. This month, prepare for those backfire when you suddenly become dissatisfied in the bedroom. After all, you did tell what’s-her-face you loved butt stuff and what’s-his-dick you shared his fetish for anime giants, so … what did you expect? People believe what you tell them, so tell them what you really want instead of trying to placate their boners.


Although you tend to be attracted to conversation and the exchange of ideas, that’s likely to change mid-month when Mercury trines your ascendent. Be prepared to find your boner pointing due north to the least talkative person in the room; the one that’s the most mysterious and hard to figure out. Now more, more than ever, you’re going to want to fuck more than talk. If no names are exchanged in the process, even better. You nasty.


This is a huge month for you, young lady or man. Towards the end of it, you’re faced with a life-changing romantic decision and whatever path you chose is likely to impact the rest of your life to a much greater extent than it normally would. Slow down and listen to your gut. If it’s screaming “Don’t marry Josh because you secretly hate they way he pronounces ‘milk’” or “Tell Marsha you love her tits!” then, well, do that.


Saturn is in your sixth house this September, which has the effect of compromising the health of your pulsating, sweaty blob bod. You might get sick, break something or develop a rash shaped like China, but the upside of this? Someone gets to take care of you. You will absolutely fucking delight in being babied by your crush or partner as they sponge bathe you into orgasmic certainty. If you don’t have a medical fetish, now would be a good time to develop one.


When you experience rejection, you tend to internalize it and take it far more personally than you need to. This month, focus on internal validation, aka turning yourself on and taking responsibility for your own pleasure and sexual confidence. If you rely on others to make you feel sexy, you’ll never win because other people are fucking bumbling idiots. And having sex with idiots is sad for you. If you wanted to have such sad sex, you’d just fuck yourself.