ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18):
What is it with you these days? You’re “in a mood,” that’s for sure. You’re feeling the oncoming winter and panicking like a crackhead in need of a fix … and it ain’t pretty. You’re constipated creatively as well, which really frustrates you and makes you act in ways that before were only rumors. Pay attention to how you leverage your emotions as this is the lesson you so desperately need to learn now.
TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20):
It’s fair to say that your Venus is showing. She teams up with that dominating prick, Saturn, to make your life resemble a sado-masochistic pleasure cruise. In other words, it hurts so good. You’re called to examine your motives — which are typically suspicious ‚ and get yourself sorted. You have some very creative ideas. Time to put them to use, but not for yet another reason to masturbate to pictures of farm animals.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20):
You’re not known for your emotional depth, so stop pretending you’re deep. You’re merely a stone skipping across the surface of the ocean. This month you’re headed for a breakdown of the most spectacular kind, and you won’t know what will set it off. It’s time for some blatant honesty, especially where you’re concerned. Try using that rapier wit to better yourself instead of tearing everyone else down. Your reputation for being an asshole could use an overhaul.
CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22):
You’re having a terrible identity crisis these days, and it’s not helping you in any way. No matter how many superhero capes and disguises you wear, people still think of you as Eeyore. Your month begins dismally, but guess what? It gets only slightly less dismal as the month progresses. You do have tremendous opportunities to make new friends, just don’t tell them of your (crazy) superhero secret. You want to be friends, not scare the shit out of them.
LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22):
You have a fertile mind. Who cares if you use it solely to think up new sex positions? Most people actually. Not everyone is as undersexed as you are. You’ve really got to stop humping inanimate objects in public. But when you like yourself more than anyone else will ever be able to, it’s not a surprise that most dates involve just you and your hand. Maybe a device or two. You know … the usual.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22):
It’s your party and you’ll cry if you want to! Not the gentle cry with a single tear running down your face. Oh no. A great, big, gigantic UGLY cry. Not because you’re sad, nothing that mundane. It’s because it’s your birthday month and you’re so fucking MANIC over it! You burn with inspiration and ambition. And here you thought it was just a bad rash. It’s time to set a new course for your life and be the captain of your own voyage.
LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22):
When September begins, it’s all rainbows shooting out of your ass and prancing unicorns in your garage. So your career and responsibility sectors are shining like gold lame on a disco queen. This is the time when you make future plans and some pretty major decisions. If your chosen work isn’t bringing you the love and satisfaction you want, then maybe it’s time to move on. Or, you could just pay someone to fuck you silly.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21):
Your month begins like you’re mired in giant, steaming piles of horseshit and you don’t know how to get free. That’s the universe telling you to slow the fuck down and take inventory of your life. Once you do that, things will begin to move forward. Climb out of the shit and shower off, because things are going to go faster than you thought possible, and you’ll feel like you can’t keep up. But you can, you little snowflake, you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21):
Your annoying, unending optimism is going to get a swift kick in the ass this month as you confront and question your values, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. You’re going to realize that you’re NOT all that and a bag of chips. You’re called to go deep … and that’s not just a recommendation from the kama sutra. Once you’ve acknowledged what an insufferable asshole you’ve been all your life, things will get back to “normal,” whatever that is.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19):
So much is going on this month you’re going to wish you had a jet rocket shoved up your ass so you can keep up. Before you get all twitterpated, understand that this energy falls in your area of relationships. That means your current and future relationships are about to explode like an overweight diner at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Belly up!
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18):
Life and goals, goals and life … don’t you know the words to any other song? Can you not climb down from your ivory tower and just admit that all your preaching of your highly idealized philosophies is really just you liking the sound of your own voice? You’re a catalytic agent for change, but only if you’re able to practice what you preach. So drag your heart and feelings out of cold storage and follow the Golden Rule.
PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19):
It’s tough for you to have candid discussions because — SQUIRREL! — you can’t stay focused long enough. Maybe it’s your fear of change that makes you addlepated. This month you can try asserting yourself instead of being the proverbial fucking doormat, which seems to be your life’s calling. It’s okay to stand up for what you believe in without alienating all those you fear you’ll alienate should you actually grow a pair and speak up. Have a little confidence, willya? Sheesh.