.. and here we are eating Ramen and couch pizza to survive …

The government has made it clear, droning the shit out of Third World countries is so stressful that it needed to spend $1,048,834 of tax payers' money on strippers and gambling last year.

To put the amount into perspective, one could pay for 6 people to complete undergraduate degrees at Harvard for around the same price ($181,112 for a four year degree). Or, if college isn't quite your thing, the government could have purchased 70 used cars at $15k a pop and given them to whomever. They could have also bought 82,261 meals (at $12.75 a meal) for the 1 in 7 people that are hungry in America — but lets be real, strippers and gambling on someone else's dime are way more fun. 

"This sure beats carpet bombing all those Syrian kids"

The 30 government card-holders the report investigated managed to spend $952,258 at casinos in only 4,437 transactions. An average of $214 per card swipe.

Seeing how this took place over the course of one year (not 4,437 days), that means they made about 12 swipes a day, at a whopping $2,608.92 per day. Which isn’t a bad run at the casino, especially when you’re using taxpayer money and not the average government employee salary of $78,467 a year (which we can only imagine was spent on cocaine).

But hey! That still doesn’t account for all the strippers …

And my god does Uncle Sam like strippers ….

At least the dancers can now pay their way through that undergrad at Harvard, because government employees spent $96,576 the same year on what must have been some pretty kinky, diamond-encrusted lap dances.

Again, that’s $96,576 spent in 900 transactions or $107.30 per swipe. Considering the fact the average lap dance is $25 (from what friends have told us), our government bros enjoyed 3,863 lap dances over the course of a year. 

And they said government funded college was impossible!

In case you're unaware, $96,576 is more than double the average salary in America. That means, while you were busting your ass at a 9-5 job trying to figure out what exactly the government needs a third of your paycheck for, some government employee was sitting in a dark room, covered in cocaine and sweat, with some barely-legal girl and her breasts in his face. 

But, then again, nothing says capitalism like using someone else's money to go on a gambling binge.

Want to check the numbers for yourself? Take a look at the Department of Defense's investigation here.