Zac Efron lives out fantasy of being a talented DJ no one wants to hear to cope with reality of being an untalented actor no one wants to see.
Zac Efron, the bulbous, baby-faced actor once renowned for crushing tween girl’s hearts in his youth, just isn’t holding onto that shine like he used to.
His newest film, We Are Your Friends, features him coming into pseudo-adulthood as a DJ who reacts really weirdly to PCP and has a penchant for synchronizing people's heart rates with his shitty music's BPM. But while that plot line sounds like the making of an Oscar-worthy film, we just weren't that into it. No one was into it.
In fact, the film crashed as soon as it hit theaters, ranking as the third worst box office debut of all time. To put this into perspective, here are the only two films in history (excluding the 10th anniversary release of Saw) that drew in less crowds.
The second worst debut: Delgo, a weird animated space film where dinosaur-people save the worlds. The worst debut: Oogieloves, where people dress up as fluffy people with weird skin tones and try to find balloons to make a birthday party extra special. Whippits, anyone?
No one’s really surprised that Delgo and Oogieloves didn’t have what it took to get asses in the seats en masse, because … just look at them.
But, unlike those films, We Are Your Friends had potential. It had Calvin Harris' influence. It had DJ cameos. It had a culturally-relevant storyline with still-unexplored cinematic themes. It had shirtless dudes on drugs dying. All great things. Yet somehow, despite all its potential and those forced YouTube trailers of it that we had to watch, Efron’s film was fucking NOOOO.
We don’t want to be his friends even if he does look like someone's chola-fied infant.
Maybe we’re all repelled by the idea of seeing his movie because for the last few months, it has rudely interrupted our online viewing of cute cat compilations and elderly folks ripping bongs like Nixon’s still president. Maybe it’s because no matter how much we squint, he doesn’t look quite so much like a cute baby dyke anymore. Maybe we’re all just finally over dubstep/EDM/pool party music/GarageBand beats.
Or maybe it’s that no one’s interested in seeing the saga of spoiled young white men living in L.A. and deciding their one life goal is to hang out with crossfaded college girls. All they do is party and then complain about how the parties aren’t wild enough. In our experience, if the rager sucks, it tends to be because the music sucks, and if the music sucks, it's because there's someone like Zac Efron's character Cole behind the table. He just wants to get out of the Valley, man!
But, there you have it. Turns out that not many people want to subject themselves to over an hour of watching sulky protagonists popping mollies, talk to people named Squirrel while sweating, fight about sushi, and be a total dick about taking a requests from the crowd.
"Drunk In Love" is a great fucking song and you know it, Efron.