Sorry ladies. Most of the time, we can't help it …

Men are a pretty simple species. Give us food, booze and Netflix, and you can predict with 99 percent accuracy where we'll be and what we'll be doing. But there's still that remaining 1 percent of men's actions that continue to confuse and annoy women. We polled all the ladies we know to find out what pissed them off most, and then we did some 'splainin'.

1) Even if we're in a relationship, we're still gonna choke the chicken from time to time.

You could be Sasha Grey, and we'd still make a little time each week to flog the bishop. There's nothing wrong with you, your sweet booty or your lovely sexual skills, promise. We just like to carve out a half-hour or so to get a little "me time" in. There might be a new porn star or sexual technique out there on the Internet, and it's always best to keep up on the latest happenings in the world. Don't take it personally.

2) After we break up, there's no way we can be friends with you.

Impossible. Sorry. Sure, maybe in movies ex-lovers can stay good buddies, but not in our little romantic comedy. The only way to truly get over an ex is to completely A-bomb the past relationship, erasing all your old texts and go full Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind on their ass. If we stay friends, we're constantly reminded of how much fun (and great sex) we had — and the fact that you're probably getting gorilla-fucked by that friend of yours that does CrossFit. Let's move on with our lives.

3) We have to take that shot, accept the challenge of that chugging contest, and perform as aggressively as a rabid lion in that bar game competition.

We can't help it. Our honor is on the line, and we don't get as many chances to defend our honor as we'd like nowadays. When challenged to a boat race, there's only one answer. Just be glad dueling has fallen out of fashion, or there'd be a lot more gun-shot frat boys in the world.

4) Every single morning, as cruel prank from Jesus, we get a boner when we wake up. No matter what.

It doesn't mean we were having a sexy dream, or that we wanna have sex with you right now … it's just our bodies cruel way of making that first piss impossible. It happens every morning, every single time, no matter how we try to change or fix it. But since you all have nearly a week where you bleed out of yourself, we're well aware of how lucky we are to have only this one bodily curse.

5) If you complain about someone or something, we're going to offer a solution instead of just listening.

We know we should just sit there and smile, offering a consoling rub on the arm or pat on the back. But we're men: we're fixers. We fix stuff. All the time. And your emotional problems are basically a car that won't start, and it's up to us to figure out whether it's the battery or the spark plugs. It's in our DNA.

6) Periods confuse and terrify us, and we never want that to change.

Look, we're sure we could Google it, but we'd rather live in blissful ignorance about whatever the hell "that time of the month" really entails. We'd rather keep it a mystery why women have tiny garbage cans in their public restrooms and they can completely get away with acting like a bitch a few days every month. And that's just fine.

7) Every single one of us has a dating-site photo of ourselves on top of a mountain.

No matter who we are, we want to seem outdoorsy — and there's no better way to convey that than conquering the ever-loving shit out of mountain. Even if we spend 98 of our time playing Madden, we totally made that hill our bitch, and here's a photo to prove it. Just like our rivals and enemies, we walk all over them and take photos of ourselves on top. We're successful winners!

8) We will ghost.

It means we don't like you, or (more likely) that we've found someone better but we're too much of a pussy to tell you honestly. If we unghost, that means the second, hotter girl ghosted on us and we're back for a more sure bet. Technology has allowed us to be cowards, and by god we're going to use it.

9) We'll lather on the praise, winky faces and ask for nudes way, way too early in the game.

There are a few reasons here. 1) Most men are terrible at flirting, and figure that compliments are a decent route and winkies are sexy and fun. 2) We love looking at naked women almost more than booze and pizza, so we're gonna ask pretty early on to see your girls. If you give it right up, we'll try to hit it and quit it. If you say no, we'll be disappointed that we scared off a decent girl. Circle of life, right there. 

10) No matter what's happening, we'll try to cop a feel.

Grandfather's wake? Super tense school-shooting announcement on the news? Worst scene in a horror movie? All sound like a great time for second base. The only thing better than seeing breasts is touching them, so if we're in a meaningful relationship and it's fair game, get ready for some inappropriate groping. Sorry.