Our in-house sex columnist Dear Ibby gets a lot of questions, but she also has a lot of catching up to do on King of the Hill, Season 7, so really, she's only got time for a small fraction of your shit. Here, she answers some of your more colorful inquiries in less time than it takes for you to come when someone calls you "Daddy."
I hate giving head, but my boyfriend obviously loves it. Help?
Use lube and a masturbation sleeve in place of your mouth. Google it.
Does using lube mean I'm not trying hard enough to get her wet?
NOOOO. Never forget these words: vaginal lubrication is not always an indication of arousal or your sexual prowess. Juice levels fluctuate based on hormonal cycles, mood and diet — there’s a chance it has nothing to do with you.
What’s the sexiest thing to see in guy’s apartment? What about a girl’s?
Probably the absence of a blood-encrusted wood chipper.
The vagina: is it as mysterious as Hollywood makes it seem?
Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally, but what? It’s not like a film noir character or an X-Files episode about crop circles and strangely vivisected livestock; it’s just a body part. If you’re confused by it, ask the owner of one to explain theirs to you.
Is it ok to die without ever having shoved anything up your butt?
“Shoved,” yes. “Gently and lovingly inserted with lots of lube and communication,” no. You should try everything once, especially anal, because the anus has the second highest concentration of explosively pleasurable nerve endings in the body (behind the clitoris). If you don’t like it, fine! But at least give yourself the option.
Is 'foot fucking' an actual thing or just made up in movies?
It’s definitely real … and foot fetishes are actually the most common fetish. Welp, tune in next time for the next edition of “Easily Google-able Questions Begrudgingly Googled By Someone Else (Me)!”
I want to become a better kisser. Help?
There is no such thing as a “good kisser.” There are only those who match your kissing style, and those who don’t. You just perceive them as “good” when they do. The best kissers can adapt to their partner’s style though, so ask them what they like before orally spelunking them.
Do men like their nipples played with or not?
Hold on, let me ask all men real quick … okay cool, thanks for holding. They said men’s nipples are individual body parts with individual needs — some need love, some don’t.
So, like, how worried should I be about STDs?
Like, dude, bro, being proactive about condoms and other prophylactics would be a reeeal great idea right about now considering that rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are exploding. In fact, there were more reported cases of STDs in 2015 than any other year in motherfucking human history.
Sex with food: What should I avoid?
Depends on what you mean by “sex.” If you’re looking for vaginal or anal penetration, avoid anything with sugar (yeast infection) or spice (unstoppable burning). For example, do not fuck a churro. The only truly safe things for insertion is relatively rigid fruits and vegetables with a condom on them — zucchini is the poor man’s dildo. Now, if you want to fuck a food with your penis American Pie-style, the world is your oyster. Literally … you can fuck an oyster. It doesn’t matter. Just avoid spicy things like jalapeno … no pico de gallo for you. Other than that, you can fuck in/on/around pretty much anything, even a nice pizza-pasta, as long as it doesn’t go inside. Also, I am never going out to eat with you.