Merry Christmas! Here are some sex questions that take as long to answer as it takes your boyfriend to come.

What really happens when women go to the bathroom together?

The first rule of fight club is you don’t talk about fight club.

Is there ever a good kind of dick pic?

Yeah — the kind you asked for. Also, if it’s dressed up like a tiny pirate. With a cocktail sword! Cock-tail!

Can ejaculate ever taste better?

Depends on whether you like piña coladas. I like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. Pineapple is a notorious semen taste-enhancer, and if you eat a lot of it, your penis tears will start to taste sweeter, like an actual piña colada coming out of your body. Same with most fruit, actually. You just have to eat a lot of it for it to work. Works for females too.

Where can I meet people that isn’t the internet?

Hmm, try somewhere that isn’t the internet. Jail is a place where there are people, but no internet.

Is it weird that I fantasize about my best friend?

Nothing is weird when it comes to sex. In fact, that’s the most boring fantasy I’ve ever heard.

What's the verdict on the pull-out method?

Multiple studies have found it’s as effective as condoms at preventing pregnancy — only 4 percent of couples who use the pull-out method will get pregnant within a given year. But while it wards off babies, it definitely doesn’t ward off cystic syphilis, so … bag the dick up.

Making out, too childish or hot as an adult?

What’s childish about making out? I’ve seen no children making out. Have you? What kind of children are you hanging around? Where are their parents? 

Choking: hot or not?

Hot as fuck when it’s consensual, ice-cold when it’s not. Always ask first. Always.

Is it okay to poop at your date's house?

Hell yeah it is. Mark your territory or die trying.

How can I tell if my partner is faking an orgasm?

Have you ever tried asking them? You know, the entire English language was invented to serve you in times like these. Millennia of speech development and refinement have been weathered by your ancestors just so you can comfortably ask your partner that very question.

It's no more complicated than a simple "Does that feel good to you? Anything I could be doing better or differently?"

If you feel awkward asking that question, I don't think you're qualified to be having sex. Good sex is about 90 percent communication and 10 percent intuition, so if you're not prepared to address your partner about their pleasure level, don't expect them to write any cum-soaked letters home about you.