For those times when you've long since exhausted Google's porn reservoirs.

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to masturbation material. Some of you like, while others get their rocks off gently caressing Ms. Buttersworth’s glorious maple syrup-filled juggs. Whatever, as the neck tattoo on your drug dealer’s neck says: only God can judge you.

However, every now and then, we all develop a resistance to our masturbation modes, and we need something new and unexpected to touch ourselves to. But since we’ve long since exhausted the internet’s porn reservoirs, we thought we’d suggest a few weird, off-the-meat-beaten-path things to masturbate to this year.

Why? Because we care.

“American Gladiators” Reruns

“American Gladiators” is basically an age-appropriate, more jacked version of the Mickey Mouse Club, except there’s more wrestling and less talent. We can’t deny that there’s something sexually stimulating about the thought of being crushed between Diamond’s muscular breasts, and picturing a deeply tanned, veiny, sexually stunted guy bench pressing us for hours on end totally does it for us. However, if you prefer a more ethnic flair, check out “Gladiatorerna” – the Swedish version.

Mr. Peanut Head

There’s just something about that sexy monocle, is there not? He’s like a fuckable Mr. Monopoly but also tasty and nutritious. We can think of a few more uses for that walking cane and those tap shoes – a nude vaudeville performance, obviously.  Plus, tons of people are fatally allergic to him and his kind, making the sex so much riskier and erotic. We’d let him butter our bread any day … and then combine it with jelly for a below-the-poverty-line after-school snack. Moan.

National Monuments/Buildings

Erect buildings are rife with phallic imagery. Most of them are dick-shaped (Washington Monument, any capitol building ever,  the Leaning Tower of Pisa for the slightly to-the-left variety), and the ones that aren’t usually have little statues domineering females riding horses or holding torches. Maybe you get turned on from Lady Liberty’s billowing dress and nape of her exposed neck. Maybe licking the Washington Monument from base to tip gets you hot and bothered. Big buildings are kind of hot.

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

Dick-shaped foods. Check. Pork swords sliding down throats one after the other. Check. What’s not sexual about a hot dog eating contest? A hot dog kind of looks like a penis resting between two ass cheeks. Imagine a whole tray right in front of you for the taking. Oh god, quick, pass the ketchup!

Home and Garden Magazine

Maybe a perfectly coordinated throw-pillow/ rug set gets those juices flowing. Perhaps you love a thriving patch of yellow mums in the front flowerbed. Or maybe you’re a bored housewife who loves stroking the silky photos of dinner party table settings. Mmm, floating candle center-pieces … Winston better hurry home before you summon the cabana boy.

Turn-of-the-Century Puppet Shows

… Or really any puppet show for that matter because they are all creepy, in an erotic way. It’s like when you start having sex and “American Horror Story” is playing in the background but you don’t mind because you kind of like the sounds maniacal clown laughter, electroshock therapy, and blood curdling screams. These wooden-faced amorphous sacks can get into some pretty funky positions, if you catch our drift.

The French Open

Masturbating to the athletes competing in the French Open isn’t questionable per se. Tennis players are like athletic, non-emaciated supermodels; Maria Sharpova, Rafael Nadal, Anna Ivanovic … they’re all perfectly worthy of wetting our pillowcases for.

However, masturbating to the French Open as a concept … Now that’s kinky. We love the sound of methodic grunting, erratic ball pounding, and French accents. It reminds us of our summer abroad. Plus there are all those people watching, and they’re all rich. And there are slo-mo replays. And many, many balls.  It’s like “Eyes Wide Shut” except outdoors and sponsored by Gatorade.


Sleek design. Inexpensive home furnishings. Memories of wandering aimlessly through the Swedish labyrinth, guided only by the smell of those delicious sweet-yet-salty meatballs. Inexplicably fighting with the poor soul that joined you on this forgotten quest for a $10 night stand. Don’t lie. All those umlauts and unreadable direction manuals are big turn ons.

Presidential Debates

Especially the GOP. They’ve got some lookers on the ticket this election year. If that Trump hair piece doesn’t make you want to dig your fingers in and grab hold, we don’t know what will. Maybe Jebby’s slight Texas drawl will make you want to play Cowboys and Indians behind closed doors. We can’t wait to cast our vote this year.

Disney Movies

Weird for obvious reasons. But on the other hand, those princes and princesses are super hot if you think about it. Tiny waists, long luscious locks, definitely over 18 because they are all betrothed at some point in the story. Gallant dream boats, who can rescue us from our millennial listlessness and part-time jobs only to whisk us away to a stoney castle in northern Ireland where we don’t have to work but just try on shoes? We’re horny just writing this paragraph.

Hopefully we’ve provided you some new material for the coming new year. Orgasms are good for our health after all, and masturbating more is one resolution we know we can keep.