Because you're worth it.

The upcoming Superbowl game could be the last of Peyton Manning's career, so we thought we'd send him off in the most respectful way possible: by having sex in homage to his beautiful, bloated face.

Here are some positions that really nail him and you at the same time.

The Sore Foot

This one's just a large, writhing pile of scantily clad men fumbling for each other's balls while Peyton sits on the sideline and watches, grimacing with the simultaneous stimulus of pleasure and pain.

It's perfect if you like to watch, or if you've recently been sidelined due to super gonorrhea yet you still want to be part of the action. Make yourself useful by offering to get these men some Gatorade or orange slices.

HGH Doggy Style

Peyton Manning probably never used HGH as a performance enhancer, simply because he is the performance enhancer. And nothing enhances performance like a little TV-facing doggy style.

On your hands and knees, turn up the Sports Center before allowing your partner to penetrate you from behind. He should have a full, clear view of the buttock surface area he could potentially inject HGH into.

Neither of you can see what the other is doing because you're distracted by the flying footballs, so you both could theoretically be using HGH … but the beauty of it is that you'll never know.

X-Marks the Face Sit

Brother Peyton's face is too large and in charge to fit into his safety helmet, a fact that often leaves him with a giant pink mark on his forehead. Thankfully, this mark acts like your own personal map to treasure.

Aim for exactly that area when you sit on your partner's face. Face backwards, so that your bottom is squarely on the forehead mark and your face is pointed towards your partner's feet. This position offers unprecedented access to the clitoral area, but if a man is on top, it's the easiest way to let his partner deflate-gate his ball contents into your mouth as well.

Work the Pocket

Peyton is widely regarded for his ability to move his feet in the pocket well.

So, after obtaining the enthusiastic consent of your partner, slip a toe into her pocket and god damn it, do it well.

The Neck Cracker

Peyton's neck has demonstrated remarkable resilience in the face of gross physical injury, so show your partner your neck is as Broncos-strong as Peyton's with some acrobatic oral sex.

Dangling upside down off the edge of the bed, place your mouth on your partner's genitals and use nothing but your neck muscles to stimulate them to orgasm. When you're done your neck should be sexily bulging.

If your neck is sore after, great job! Be sure to sit the rest of the season out and let your injury slowly debilitate you over time before finally succumbing your doctor's orders and undergoing surgery. So flirty!

O Brother Where Art Thou

You plus two brothers, only one is older and better and the other is younger and living in the former's shadow.

Have the older brother playfully shove the younger brother until he becomes irritated, then instruct them tussle in front of you while you preside over their sibling power struggle wondering, "Where is these boy's father?"

Feeling beautiful and confident? Gently get in the middle of them like a sandwich of success and enjoy unprececented access to the family's genetic lineage.

Speaking of sandwiches …

The Chicken Parm

There's nothing Peyton loves more than a juicy breast smothered in tasty marinara sauce, so give Daddy what he wants make him a sandwich.

Dip each of your breasts (or balls if you are male) into some warm marinara, then into a bowl of crispy breadcrumbs to coat them with crunchy texture. Sprinkle with parmesan, bake at 425º F and have your partner lick it off for a tasty afternoon delight that's a reeeeal touch down.

Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. Papa John's.

Hope you're hungry, because for this one, you're going to be taking a sausage in both ends at once. Mmm-mmm, fresh!

Invite your partner over and tell them to pick up and extra-large Papa John's sausage pizza on the way.

When they get to your house, tell them you're hungry … for meat. Skip the foreplay and have them bend you over a nicely set table with sensual doilies and salad forks. Begin to enjoy your sausage pizza orally, then, as you swallow, allow your partner's sausage to make zesty love to you from behind. Your partner will never see that quarterback sneak coming.

The End Zone

Peyton likes to penetrate deep into the end zone to score his touch downs, so be like Peyton penetrate your own end zone with some light anal. 

This one's perfect for a rainy winter afternoon when your wife Ashley Manning is out getting tapas with the laaadies because you can control how many yards you push into the zone without her squeamishly rejecting your invitation for prostate massage.

You call this invitation "Two Tickets to Paradise" like the Eddie Money song, but she just doesn't see it that way. EVEN THOUGH many, many men sacrifice themselves for you physically every game you play, suffering concussions and broken bones and athlete's foot for your well-being, yet she won't even put a thumb in your bum when you want a little treat. OMAHA!

The Laser Rocket Arm

Peyton has often been described by himself as "Laser Rocket Arm," so take some of that spunk and add it to your junk.

Have your partner lay on their back, legs spread wide open. If your partner is female, use two fingers to slowly penetrate her. Gradually increase your speed to rocket level until she's ready to explode, then use your laser-finger to stimulate her clitoris to completion. When you're done, dually admire your pulsating bicep muscles and clap.

If your partner is male, this is just a really fast, disjointed and incomplete hand job before the play is over … we're talking like four seconds, then stop. Then five seconds. Then stop. Commercial break. We're back. Three seconds. Stop. Three seconds again. Stop. Half-time show. Commercial. Back. Stop. Six seconds. Stop. Time out. Five seconds. Commercial. Commercial. Pre-cum. Climax. Game over.